


The Man Bun Appreciation Club

by bigblackdog, MuggleMaybe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Awkward Flirting, Background Jily, Barista Sirius, M/M, Marauders, Mental Health Issues, lit major remus, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-09 01:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7782166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigblackdog/pseuds/bigblackdog, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuggleMaybe/pseuds/MuggleMaybe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black is a hopeless barista. Remus Lupin is a depressed lit student. After four years at the same high school, they've never shared more than hopeful glances. </p><p>With some encouragement from James (and a little alcohol) Sirius finally works up the nerve to ask Remus to join the Man Bun Appreciation Club.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Standing Standing Snuggles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing tmbac! LestrangerThanFiction writes remus' lines, bigblackdog writes sirius'. 
> 
> we've intentionally kept the location vague and made no attempts to de-americanize their language or school system, etc.

Sunday, January 31 1:08pm

**HEEEEEEEEYY**

**it's sirius**

**from lily’s party. and high school**

_ Hi, Sirius _

**james is being boring**

_ haha yeah, right. you're probably both hung over. _

**james never gets hungover. it's a fucking superpower**

_... or he's withholding the advil. _

**i on the other hand might be a littttttle bit drunk still**

_ nice _

_ don't you have stuff to do today? _

**are you trying to get rid of me?**

_ ummmm... _

_ not really _

**good we're still an hour from home and i'm soooo bored**

_ but I'm studying. People keep giving me looks when my phone vibrates. _

**fuck 'em**

**what've you been up to since graduation man?**

**WAIT**

**you're not hung over either?**

_ no, I'm fine. _

**WHAT IS THE FUCKING SECRET**

_ I didn't get totally trashed? _

**will no one share in my misery?**

_ Lily probably feels pretty shitty today. She was a wreck last night. _

**she was a goddess.**

_ I was worried, actually. Did James say anything? I don't think she's ever been quite that drunk before _

_ But yeah, Lily is always a goddess _

**oh but she has.**

_ When?!? _

**we're probably a bad influence...**

_ speak for yourself ;) _

**whenever she visits there's a lot of tequila, giggling, and pat benatar.**

_ I legit don't know what pat benatar is _

**HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE**

**shadows of the fucking night?**

**we belong?**

_ Oh, the song? Yeah, I know that song _

**killer cheekbones too**

**the pat benatar radio station is the only thing that gets me thru sat afternoon shifts.**

_ just googled it - not my type, but the songs are alright. _

_ Remind me where you're working now? _

**ehh. just some dumb coffee shop.**

_ doesn't sound like you're loving the glamorous barista life _

**it's anything but glamorous. i have chronic coffee finger.**

_ I don't know what coffee finger is but it doesn't sound good _

**its when coffee grounds get embedded in your skin on a fucking molecular level and no amount of scrubbing helps.**

**it's whatever.**

**what're you studying?**

_ molecular biology, ironically. _

_ not my thing. it's for a gen ed *eye roll* _

_ gen eds are the fucking worst _

**i mean, i don't exactly know but i'm always up for raging about the powers that be**

**what other gen eds do you have to take?**

**also, i don't feel as bad for distracting you now that i know it's molecular biology. you need a break.**

_ haha, I do need a break! _

_ Gen eds are so stupid, believe me. _

_ last term I had to take this stupid Intro to World Music class. It was just a bunch of wanna be hippies pretending they knew shit about African drums. SO irritating. _

**on the plus side, you now have twenty new friends who will dread your hair for free**

_ hahaha _

**although, your hair looks good as is.**

_ um, thanks? _

_ That's a relief - I don't think dreads would be the right look for me! _

_ Or for you, for that matter _

**lol the dreads will never take me alive**

**messy bun foreverrrr**

_ I never understood the whole man bun thing, but I have to admit, you pull it off! _

**i'm starting a sirius-converted-me-to-man-bun club**

**you can be the secretary.**

_ ha, you wish :P _

**come on it'll be fun**

**lily is vice**

_ fine, but only for Lily _

_ Are you the president? _

**well it's not lily's man bun club... but however i need to get you in the door.**

_ I mean, she's my best friend.  _

_ Isn't it a little conceited to be the president of your own self-appreciation club? _

**shouldn't we all be the presidents of our own self-appreciation club?**

**i'm just pro-self esteem**

***

Sunday, January 31 9:19pm

_ Hey, sorry about disappearing earlier _

**oh good**

**bc there isn't really a club.**

_ You don't say _

**oh sassy, are we?**

**you know, i'm a little hurt molecular biology took precedence over my hypothetical fan club**

_ umm, maybe sarcastic? Witty? Do we have to go with sassy? _

**i LOVE the word sassy. purely phonetically.**

**what's your objection?**

_ I don't know, that's fair. Whatever. Anyway, I spent all freaking day studying. Molecular bio took precedence over everything. _

_ don't take it so personally _

**alright then.**

_ my weekends are SO exciting, I know (cue sarcasm) _

_ what are you up to? _

**FIGHTING WITH JAMES**

_ wait, really?? _

_ What happened? _

**i mean, kind of**

**standing snuggles are a thing, right?**

**he refuses to accept the validity of standing snuggles**

_ do you mean standing like standing up, or standing like an ongoing arrangement? _

**ooh i meant standing like upright**

**but i like the idea of standing standing snuggles. sign me up.**

_ ha, nice! _

**agreeeeeeee with me**

_ I might have to side with James, sorry! But I'll reserve official judgment. _

**that's ridiculous!**

_ I definitely thinking leaning snuggles are a thing, and that's pretty close _

**no!**

**no! it's not by association with leaning snuggles that standing snuggles are definitely a thing**

_ dude, I was trying to be agreeable haha _

**what else would you call a prolonged hug with firm but tender caresses**

**and like, no kissing.**

_ I think you're just contrary _

_ groping? _

**i'm not contrary!**

_ you *might* be a little contrary _

**there is literally no good way to deny being contrary**

_ lol _

**groping isn't tender enough**

**i'm talking about gentle, lingering hugging**

**… are you looking it up?!**

_ No I wasn't! _

_ I guess standing cuddling is possible. But I'm trying to imagine a scenario where it wouldn't be completely awkward and failing. _

_ ok, so I looked it up _

**i think you mean completely wonderful. it's waaaay better than bed or couch snuggles bc body parts inevitably fall asleep**

**ok, just in case the internet disagrees with me, i'd like to say google does not get the last say on standing snuggles.**

_ yeah, but you're standing. Obvious downside _

**but you're leaning against someone.**

_ direct quote from Urban Dictionary: _

_ Cuddling is NOT hugging. _

_ Hugging is what you do when you're standing up. Cuddling is what you do when you're lying down. _

**NO**

**cuddling is different from snuggling!**

**you have to look up snuggling**

_ I love how much you care about this. _

_ looking it up now _

**snuggles are my life blood remus**

**cuddles are shit. cuddles are for cows.**

_ sorry, I mixed up your words I guess! _

_ regardless, Urban Dictionary strikes again: _

_ Snuggle: The sharing of love between two people by keeping each other warm, safe, and happy overall. Two people will lay down, usually on a soft surface such as a bed, with their bodies touching each other. _

**THE FUCK**

**i don't have to be in a bed to be fucking warm safe and happy.**

_ noted _

**this was obviously written by some thirteen year old fascist who has never known the glory of standing snuggles**

_ that is possible _

**i'm gonna conduct like, mass standing snuggle baptisms**

**you're first.**

**james is a lost cause.**

_ and in other news, a young man got arrested for street harassment on Sunday evening... _

**i'll ask permission.**

_ I know, I was just kidding. Somehow you actually aren't creepy. _

**lol**

_ unlike me _

_ people always seem to think I'm creepy! I don't know why. _

**do you mumble to yourself?**

_ no! _

**i think maybe i need a picture to confirm your smile isn't creepy.**

_ You've met me! _

_ Why do you need a picture? _

**bc i was very very drunk the last time and all i can remember is your sweater**

**which, in my memory, was not a creepy sweater**

_ I'm glad you approve of my sweater _

_ I don't really wanna send a pic, though _

**it's a fine sweater**

**i guess i was kidding about the pic?**

**it's fine.**

Sunday, January 31 12:26 PM

_ here's the thing _

**...**

_ don't you think it's more mysterious this way? _

_ what's the fun in a picture? _

**the fun is the having it all the time.**

**but i'll indulge your warped sense of mystery**

_ see, it's times like this i consider downloading snapchat _

_ but it's not happening _

**don't tempt me remus**

_ is that a threat? :P _

**more like pleading**

**you never did tell me what you're studying**

**or is that part of the air of mystery too?**

_ oh, no haha _

_ English Lit _

_ I apparently have my ambitions set firmly on unemployment _

**you can always become a barista with me**

_ that seems incredibly likely. _

_ I better start preparing myself for coffee finger _

 

**but fuck those people who shit on lit majors. school should be about getting an education. not a chore so you can make a shit ton of money.**

_ that's true. _

_ my parents, unfortunately, see things differently _

**they'd have you become an accountant or what?**

_ just, something practical _

_ they can't afford the tuition so it's all on scholarship. _

_ they say I'm wasting my "golden opportunity" _

**so you should get to do whatever you fucking want.**

**earned it already.**

_ My point exactly! _

_ Maybe I'll join the man bun club afterall _

**there's always room for you in the club**

**you can elevate the club proceedings by deigning to give lectures on whatever you're reading atm**

_ Can I give a lecture on how to not read Wuthering Heights? _

**and how's that?**

_ I've been meant to read this damn book for three different classes but I hate it! _

**is that the one with heathcliff and stomping around the moors and shit?**

_ *grumbling* _

_ yes _

**what's so wrong with stomping round the moors? huh?**

_ You're a fan? _

_ It's a conspiracy! Why does everyone but me love this book? _

_ It's too dreary _

**i actually haven't read it. but like, heathcliff sounds like a babe.**

_ Reeeeally. _

_ Now, that is interesting. _

_ Heathcliff is your type? _

**mood swings and nature walks?**

**hell no.**

_ bahahaha _

_ then what is your type? Enlighten me _

**more like, hmm...**

**well i like boys who wear cute sweaters**

**and now you have to tell me *your type***

_ Shit. Well, I suppose that's only fair. _

**s'true**

_ A wicked grin gets me every time, to be honest _

**what qualifies as wicked?**

_ Devilishly handsome? I know it when I see it. _

**hmm. well let me know when you see it.**

_ Will do. I have a feeling you'll be around. _

**ok, i know how this sounds, but it's way past my bedtime.**

_ Bummer _

_ I thought I was the boring one! _

**no it's definitely me.**

_ Well, studying 24/7 isn't exactly exciting either _

**seems like it from the outside tbh**

_ Word to the wise: I just finished a bottle of wine. _

**i'm sorry, what?**

**mr. doesn't get trashed?**

_ I never sat I don't get trashed! _

_ I said I didn't get trashed at that party! _

_ I can have fun, thank you very much! _

**it's fucking sunday night remus**

**i misjudged you.**

_ Also, what happened to Mr. I'm-the-boring-one _

_ No classes on Mondays :D _

**omg. it's killing me that i can't stay up and take advantage of talking to tipsy remus. but i've got a 5am shift**

_ youch _

_ Goodnight! _

_ thanks for chatting :) _

**night :)**

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading! we've got a few more chapters in editing so we hope to update soon!


	2. Bad Dates

Sirius was sitting on the singular chair behind the counter at the shop, cradling a cup of coffee to his chest, alternately shivering and yawning. The shop was always cold in the mornings. His boss rightly didn't believe in heating an empty building at night, but it made 5:30am feel even more like freezing hell.

But even though it was freezing and he was  _ awake _ , awake after little more than 4 hours sleep, he was more chipper this morning than most. Sirius couldn't help the smile on his face as he grabbed his phone and scrolled through his messages with Remus. He'd noticed Remus years ago, how could he not? Lily and Remus were the quiet and mature version of himself and James, and with James' attention glued on Lily, he'd been well aware of the existence of Remus Lupin for some time.

There were a number of reasons Sirius didn't care to examine too closely as to why now, but a definite tipping point was James catching his apparently not-so-sly glances at Remus on Saturday night. James had slung an arm around his shoulders and with a rare (and all the more potent for it) sincerity had told him "you should try."

Well Sirius had tried. He'd needed a little whiskey-induced courage but he'd done it. He really didn't expect Remus to respond at all and when he did, was probably a little over-eager. In fact, in the still dark morning in the lonely coffee shop, he felt he came across a bit of ass. He hadn’t meant to use the kind of overt and swaggering flirtation that had always ended up with the assumption that he was a low-maintenance hookup, but he supposed in his nervousness it came naturally. 

Sirius earnestly wanted Remus to think of him differently-- not some vapid easy-to-fuck barista. He wanted Remus to think he was smart, dateable, and not at all annoying. Which meant not texting him at 5:30 in the morning, however much he wanted to. Although he couldn’t see the harm in a single ‘good morning’ text; Sirius loved waking up to texts, didn’t everyone? But they probably weren’t at the I-texted-while-you-were-sleeping stage. And James was always asking him to think through his decisions a little longer.

His uncharacteristic hesitation was interrupted by a customer walking in and ordering his usual cappuccino, no foam. Sirius had tried explaining once that he could just order a latte, but the message obviously hadn’t gotten through. A steady stream of regulars prevented Sirius from much more musing on how to best approach Remus, and he found himself unable to send out a message until well near the end of his shift.

 

Monday, February 1, 11:35 am

**good morning sunshine**

_ It's snowing outside _

_ but good morning :) _

**the sun's not the sunshine. the person you say it to is.**

_ For the record, drinking an entire bottle of chardonnay by yourself is a bad idea. _

**chardonnay huh? you fancy.**

_ When I say bottle, I really mean box. _

_ What I'm saying is... I am not sunshine this morning. _

**are you usually a morning person? because i think that's worse**

_ hell no _

**bless you, you curmudgeon lush.**

_ I'm going to take that as a compliment. _

**it is**

_ thank you _

_ What are you up to today? _

**about to get off work. then i'm pretty much netflix bound for the afternoon.**

_ that sounds AMAZING _

_ What do you watch? _

**bc i watched sherlock netflix recced a bunch of shows about british ladies solving crime. i'm making my way through all.of.them.**

_ dude, Sherlock is my jam _

**sherlock was my jam until i discovered rosemary and thyme**

_ rosemary and thyme are delicious _

**so is jam**

_ i think i'm missing the point haha _

**lol it's about two lady gardeners solving murders.**

**i had no idea gardening and murder so often overlapped but i fucking love it.**

_ huh _

_ who would've known? _

**not i**

**anyway, my television habits are actually disgusting.**

**what're you doing today?**

_ define disgusting haha _

_ just homework _

_ and recovering from my hangover _

_ so, nothing _

**ah, college.**

_ yeah _

_ I know you decided not to go, which is cool. _

_ you probably think I'm a total geek :P _

**not at all.**

_ no? well, that's good news. _

**... it's complicated.**

**and tbh, i kind of wish i had.**

_ oh, sorry! _

**gone. i mean.**

_ yeah _

_ what do you want to study? _

**ahhh**

**i have no idea**

_ yeah, it's hard to decide _

**that was part of the reason i took a year off.**

**how'd you figure out english lit?**

_ well, all I ever want to do is read, so it seemed logical _

_ I mean not ALL I ever want to do _

_ you know what I mean _

**yea**

_ Just out of curiosity, if you were going to pick something today, just for today, no pressure, what would it be? _

**just for today?**

**like, anything i wanted?**

_ yeah _

**ok so, last week my cousin had a baby and it had a little jaundice. i guess that's kind of normal? but this nurse came in and took blood to test it and mentioned he's been doing the 'first four days' for the last few years**

**so i guess that's a thing nurses can specialize in?**

**so that.**

**just for today.**

_ cool _

_ I wasn't expecting that answer, I admit. _

**it's the septum piercing, right?**

_ I mean, that was so wonderfully specific. _

_ the piercing doesn't hurt though _

**that was what i thought! 'wonderfully specific'**

**there's a lot of really specific things people can do.**

**it's overwhelming.**

_ yes! _

_ sometimes I run errands and I buy some mundane thing. Like, napkins. And I look at the napkins and realize that someone designed the pattern on the napkins. Someone designed the machines they use in the napkin factory. _

**how do you know that the thing you think is wonderfully specific today doesn't feel suffocatingly specific in a few years?**

_ I guess you don't _

_ sorry, that wasn't helpful at all _

**you really notice the pattern on the napkins?**

_ er.... I should not have admitted that _

_ but yes _

**god, you're adorable.**

_ I'm ridiculous. _

_ but if you want to call it adorable, okay by me _

**:)**

_ tell me something adorable about you _

**hypothetically wanting to take care of tiny wrinkly babies doesn't qualify?**

_ touche _

_ 100 adorable points for Sirius _

**thank you very much.**

**glad you finally noticed.**

_ to be fair, on first impression you're not really the adorable type... _

_ more 'bad ass' _

_ (NOW it's the piercing) _

**don't let it fool you.**

**but actually, i'm crusading for a world where 'bad ass' and 'total marshmallow' are not exclusive.**

_ I approve _

_ I'm going to regret saying this _

_ but that makes me think of a terrible pick up line _

**TELL ME NOW**

_ no thanks :P _

_ it's so bad, seriously _

**pleaseee please please please**

**those are the best kind!**

**please**

**please**

**please**

**please**

_ oh god, I'm breaking _

**yesssssss**

_ I told you I was going to regret this _

**(bated breath)**

**i like that you're making me work for it**

_ is it possible to have stage fright via text? _

**tell me tell me tell me tell me**

_ now it's gonna be a let down _

_ but anyway, fiiiiiiine _

_ “I can think of a bad ass and a total marshmallow that might do well being exclusive” _

**...**

_ ok, I can go die now _

_ I hate my brain _

**omg**

**that's fucking clever**

_ you are too kind _

_ by which I mean, you are kinder than appropriate _

**and you're a secret bond style seducer**

_ ha! _

**further proof of the overlap between sweater wearing marshmallow fluff and bad assedness**

_ very clever _

**just observant.**

_ Sadly, I am not at ALL a Bond style seducer. But how I wish you were right! _

_ I will give you observant. Definitely! _

**only, not of napkins.**

**that distinction goes to you.**

_ omg. I was just going to say that! _

**i mean, a full on bond seduction is kind of... gross**

**i don't wish you were.**

_ Ah, well then. Wish granted! _

_ or, not granted. Whichever. _

**yea. pretty much :)**

_ shit, this guy I went on a really bad date with last month just came into the library and sat two seats down. _

_ I think I better go before he realizes _

_ :( _

**but you have to promise to tell me how bad it was.**

_ I'll give you the play by play as soon as I've retreated to a safe distance ;) _

**excellent**

**ttys :)**

_ yep! Ciao! _

 

Monday 1:01pm

_ phew, got out in the nick of time! _

**d'you think he noticed?**

_ I'm not sure. I don't think so. _

_ he's a jerk _

**i was promised details**

_ oh, well, you know _

_ typical first date _

**set the scene**

**coffee? dinner?**

_ we went for lunch, actually. I've since decided lunch dates are lame. _

**noted**

_ Vietnamese. He paid, I'll give him that. _

**mmm i love vietnamese. i hope that wasn't ruined for you too**

_ No! Vietnamese is eternally delicious! _

**definitely.**

**so....**

_ I mean, first dates are awkward. And I was extra nervous bcs this guy was so out of my league. _

_ And then the whole time he talked about all the other guys he's hooked up with. _

**grosssss**

_ He did a gap year, and hooked up with all these guys in Italy and stuff. _

**wait, let's go back to the out-of-your-league-thing**

_ Of course I thought he must not be interested if he just wanted to think about all the hot dudes in his past. _

_ .... let's not. _

**he obvs a jerk. and *you're* out of jerks' leagues**

_ well, you know what I mean. _

**i think i do know what you mean. and still disagree.**

**but i won't push.**

_ anywayletsmoveon cough _

_ so, I went home thinking it wouldn't go anywhere. I was also really tired, so I took a nap _

**post date sadness nap. i've been there.**

**how detailed was he about these italian babes?**

_ I mean... mostly vague, except with certain, ermm.. measurements. _

**NUH UH**

**what? does he carry around a fucking ruler?**

_ They were approximate. But your point still stands. _

**sleazeball**

_ I guess. Mostly I just found him overwhelming. _

_ so, I napped. _

_ and when I woke up, I had 14 texts from him. _

**ummmm**

_ I should note it was only an hour long nap _

**dick pics?**

_ No! the first one was kind of cute. It was "So, how did I do?" _

**he seems like the type to think 14 unsolicited dick pics is appropriate**

_ haha, fair enough _

_ When i didn't respond, he got really pissed. He started ranting about how rude I was not to answer and basically threw a tantrum via text. _

_ THAT was fun to wake up to. _

**but like, you totally thought his tantrum was super sexy?? bc how could you not??**

_ lol _

_ um, NO. _

_ I texted back telling him to chill and that it wasn't going to work out. _

_ and I told him I'd been sleeping. _

_ he was pretty embarrassed, to be fair. He probably wouldn't have been too pleased to see me today, either. _

**even if you hadn't been sleeping... still super fucking inappropriate**

_ I never really thought about it _

_ so, there it is. _

_ probably more details than you actually wanted :P _

**poor remmy**

_ ummm. _

_ Remmy? _

**REMMY**

_ I don't do nicknames. Sorry. _

**pobrecito remito**

_ cute _

_ it's still Remus. _

**:(**

_ Do you have any nicknames? _

**james calls me padfoot**

_ Padfoot? _

_ Why?? _

**because "you're a fucking human puppy, stop licking my face"**

**you really don't do nicknames... ever?**

_ Is Padfoot a common dog name? I haven't heard it before? _

_ and really, no nicknames _

**maybe in james' world?**

_ Wait... LICKING his face? _

_ I am rolling my eyes right now _

**ROLL THEM ALL YOU WANT**

**YES FACE LICKING**

**whatever. i'm affectionate.**

_ You and James are... special. _

**honestly, yea.**

_ OH _

_ Sorry man, I didn't know. _

_ Does Lily know?? _

**oh?**

**sorry, what's the realization you're having?**

_ I was wrong. Never mind. Sorry. Ignore me. _

**no no**

**we should clear this up**

_ It's stupid _

**it's not.**

_ I thought you meant you and James were, you know, involved. _

**no i know what you meant. just forcing you to say it.**

_ oh for christ's sake lol _

**look, i get that james and i have... different boundaries than most people.**

_ I know you guys are really close. It's great. I'd love to have a friendship like yours! _

**i don't want to be the kind of person that doesn't show love and affection. and i love james.**

**but it's not sexual. and it never will be.**

_ oh yeah, see that's what I was thinking. _

_ I will bear that in mind. _

**thank you.**

**so speaking of bad dates...**

_ yes...? I'm intrigued! _

**one time during a date james brought me my phone bc i forgot it at practice and the guy FREAKED OUT**

_ awkward _

**and tried to FIGHT james**

_ Really? _

_ Is it wrong that I'm really curious to know how well James did in the fight? _

**not at all.**

**i totally let james defend my honor.**

**he got a black eye and was all "never again"**

**but he'd do it again in a heartbeat**

_ see, you can understand my confusion when you say stuff like that _

**but now i've explained it!**

_ you're right though. He's a stand up guy. _

**i'm totally single!**

**anyway another time the guy FELL ASLEEP while we were MAKING OUT**

**like right in the middle.**

_ OMG _

**and it was only the second date, right? and i'm in his apartment, like, what do i do?**

_ ugh, that's the worst _

**is this making you feel better?**

**i have more**

_ you're sweet _

_ and yes, it's making me feel better. _

**one time**

**the first date was so so boring that i lied and said i had a headache to get out of the second date**

_ oh man. Why did you even agree to the 2nd date? _

**i don't know! it all happened so fast!**

_ poor Padfoot _

**but then, i went to in n' out with james**

**AND HE WAS THERE AND HE TOTALLY SAW ME**

_ NO _

**yep**

_ That is SO uncomfortable _

_ did you talk to him? _

**nope**

_ haha, I wouldn't have either _

**i just tried to look headachey**

_ nice _

**like i squinted a lot and tragically covered my eyes**

**and moaned miserably**

_ you should go into acting _

**another time**

_ ANOTHER time? You have a lot of these stories! _

**yea, a lot of first and only dates.**

_ I think that's normal. Anyway, I want to hear the story! _

**ok so, he tells me a derogatory joke about latinos**

_ What a bastard. _

**and i tell him i'm half, right?**

**and then he explains to me why it's still funny.**

_ Fucking racist _

**your rage is appreciated**

_ man, usually I feel so privileged and guilty for being a white guy, but when it comes to the jokes... there are a LOT of Jew jokes. _

_ So I have practice at joke-related rage _

**good to know i can count on you**

**:)**

_ you can! _

_ Although I nominate James for the fighting confrontations. _

_ Actually, thinking about it, YOU’RE probably the one best suited for the fighting. But that's no good! _

**why me?**

_ Oh _

_ You just seem the most in shape, that's all. I spend too much time in the library haha. _

**you think i'm 'in shape'?**

_ Yeah? I guess I don't know. You'd know best. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read so far and taken the time to give kudos! This story is close to our hearts and it's overwhelming wonderful to receive positive feedback. 
> 
> p.s. lestranger wants you to know the ending is awkward on purpose. pobrecito remito!


	3. In Defense of Nerds

Tuesday February 2 8:33am

 

**hey sorry about yesterday**

**james dragged me off for korean food adventures and then i promptly food coma-ed**

_That's okay._

_I'm just glad you weren't pissed off._

**why would i be pissed??**

_Oh. I don't know. The in shape thing? Never mind._

_It doesn’t matter. Forget about it. How did your adventures go?_

**so gooooood. consumed my body weight in soft tofu**

_haha, nice. I've never been big on Korean. Maybe I should give it another try._

**definitely. we found a really good place. maybe we'll take you?**

**and lily**

_Yeah. That'd be great._

**i thought you were gonna say no**

_What? Why?_

**i don't know. i mean i'm glad you didn't.**

_I haven't hung out with you guys in ages. And any chance to get off campus is a relief, believe me._

**yea?**

**is dining hall food as bad as they say?**

_lol_

_YES_

_but that's not why. It feels sort of suffocating being here all the time. I constantly have all these things hanging over my head for school._

_I envy you your barista freedom._

**ha.**

**i'm just enslaved to the customer instead of higher education.**

_That was probably short sighted. I suppose the grass is always greener._

**i think people should always be allowed to complain**

_Yeah?_

**yea!**

_I guess I agree, generally_

**everybody's got shit. and enforcing a bunch of rules on who gets to complain about their shit doesn't help anyone.**

_thou art very wise_

_except, I don't like it when I complain. It only makes me feel worse._

**so then tell me why you love college?**

**if you want.**

_why I love college._

_that is a really good question_

_I think the thing I love the most about it is that I don't have to behave like an actual adult yet, to be perfectly honest._

_But there are other good things_

_Like, it's really cool to live in dorms where everyone is your age. It's like automatic friends, which is very helpful._

_And the classes. At the risk of sounding like the nerd I am, I love my classes._

**you know, it's pretty much great that you're a 'nerd'**

_ha, well, that isn't the world's most popular opinion._

_But I'll take it!_

**can i convince you you're not a risk of being made fun of for 'nerd' shit here?**

_go right ahead_

**oh now i have to do the work? suggesting it wasn't enough?**

_I don't think you're a bully anyway. I honestly wasn't worrying about it. But I also don't think of you as a nerd. At least, not on first impression._

**we’ve said the word nerd too many times it’s just making me laugh now. what even is a nerd?**

_Mmmmm...._

_I often get confused about the nerd vs. geek thing_

_and then dorks. What the hell is a dork if it's not a nerd or a geek?_

**i think nerd and geek have associations with intelligence**

_Oh, yeah, I guess dork doesn't so much._

**right**

**and geek... i think of phrases like scifi geek. it's associated with certain pastimes**

**like d &d**

**but you can be a nerd about anything- engine parts to shakespeare**

_You're impressively knowledgeable about this_

**maybe i'm a nerd about specific language**

_I think you are. In the best way._

**i'll take the compliment**

_Which just goes to show, first impressions are bullshit._

**i'm not keen on being friends with anyone who isn't a nerd about something.**

**i'm gonna go ahead and take a hardline stance against non-nerds.**

_I'm not big on hardline stances. But, I think if a person doesn't get nerdy and excited about SOMETHING, they are probably pretty boring_

**softline stance.**

_That sounds really wimpy, I know, but I think a rigid perspective accomplishes very little_

**no i actually really like that.**

_Man, I can feel myself becoming an academic haha_

**embrace it**

_I'll have to if I want to get good grades. And I do. Even though it's a stupid system, I do._

**is that what's stressing you?**

_Grades?_

_Yeah, I guess._

_But it's not a big deal. I signed up for this, you know?_

**no don't brush it off**

**i was just stalling bc... well lily used to get mad at us for getting good grades without trying.**

**and i didn't want to sound like an ass.**

_Oh, that's right!_

_Well, yeah. You and James are like, unbelievable naturals at everything._

**not everything.**

_SOME of us *coughmecough* have to work a bit for it._

**it did take FOUR YEARS for james to woo lily**

_well, yes. But she was unnaturally resistant._

_also, that's not a school thing. And I'd argue I'm no better at it than James is anyway._

**i used to think i was**

_Used to??_

_It's basically factual._

**well it depends on what you see as success in that field. if it's going on a lots of dates/groping in dark corners. then sure. i'm great. if it's dating quality people who treat you nicely...**

_Aww man, I'm sorry_

_I suppose the more interest you get, the harder it is to pick out the good ones from the creeps._

_I never thought of that before._

**well don't feel too sorry for me**

**before i brought up my sordid dating history we were talking about nerds**

_Are you embarrassed?_

_Don't be embarrassed!_

**uhhh**

_Honestly, I'M the one who should be embarrassed!_

**??**

_Your predicament of too many creeps should have been obvious. How did I not think of that?_

_Lily has that problem all the time!_

_I mean, she did. Before James._

**it's not**

**no**

**it's not your responsibility to anticipate everyone's... hurts**

_Well, regardless, I should've thought of that._

_So don't be embarrassed_

_But back to nerds._

_What things (besides specific language) are you a nerd about?_

**only if you'll answer the question too**

_Sure_

_But you first_

**ok i know i just typed a passionate defense of nerds but you can't laugh**

_I WON'T_

_who do you take me for??_

**haha ok**

**i'm kinda of a nerd about language, as you know, which includes some authors and some poets.**

**and i'm a nerd about bowie.**

**and, uhh, i watch an unholy amount of crime shows. so i should probably include that.**

_Is there more? I don't want to cut you off during this wonderful list_

**and james calls me a hipster for it, but i really love my bike.**

**and space.**

**your turn.**

_wait_

_Okay, this is so excellent._

_Your nerdiness is perfect._

_in what sense are you nerdy about space?_

**like i know a bunch of constellations and stories about them and stuff**

_that is adorable_

**yea yea**

**it's your turn**

_This is probably obvious, but I am a total nerd about books._

_I mean, basically any fictional book._

**except wuthering heights**

_Except Wuthering Heights!_

_And also, monsters._

**Monsters?**

_You know, like loch ness, and Frankenstein's monster and werewolves and stuff_

**like lore? or you like, believe in big foot?**

_it's sort of like the Tooth Fairy when you're 10 years old._

_I don't REALLY believe in it, but I sort of try to because it's fun._

**omg this is so interesting**

**i have a million questions**

_it's more the lore that fascinates me. People made up most of these monsters. Why would we deliberately invent things that scare us?_

**why do you think?**

**are they scary?**

_Honestly, I don't know._

_I do have a thought, I guess_

**let's hear it**

_Maybe monsters are how we explain the bad things people do_

_Take Little Red Riding Hood. It's fucked up. But some people really do things like that. There are kidnappings and murders and rapes and stuff. Maybe if we talk about monsters doing it instead of humans, it's not as hard to bear._

**that's interesting. i thought of it in a really different way**

**werewolves don't scare me. there's no part of me that worries that maybe something like that is really out there (like maybe i would with something like a poltergeist, which seems like a different category?)**

_so, you don't think werewolves are scary?_

**maybe i'm a jaded millennial, but if they don't scare me, maybe they weren't meant to? it's more like they're thrilling.**

**i think i read something about jung (maybe?) saying all the characters in a fairytale are facets of the human**

_yeah, I've read that too!_

**so like, we all have a little werewolf. and the thrilling part is realizing other people have werewolf too.**

_I think the actual verdict here is that you are a lot braver than I am, because that idea is not thrilling to me. More horrifying._

**horrifying?**

**i was sort of flippantly saying we've all got a little monster in us... and you seem to actually feel that way**

**or, not flippantly. bc i meant it as an idea, but that's the thing, just as an idea**

**fuck. i feel like i can't explain myself.**

_no, no, I think I get what you mean!_

**do you feel that way?**

_that everyone has a little monster in them?_

_I suppose so_

**i think i'm asking more like why you feel it's horrifying**

_Mostly, to be honest, it made me think about which parts of me I'd consider monstrous._

_And the thought of other people having those same monstrosities isn't very pleasant._

_Also, I simply don't think it's true._

**what kinds of qualities are we talking about here?**

**bc maybe you're talking about murderous rages and i'm talking about.. idk, being a childhood bully.**

_oh, I wasn't necessarily thinking violence_

_Just flaws, in general. And I wouldn't wish my flaws on anyone_

**well i'd ask about your flaws but i don’t want to reciprocate :P**

_fair enough_

**so Remus, what's your spirit-monster?**

**it's like a spirit animal but for flawed nerds**

_hahaha_

_I guess I'd have to go with werewolf_

**how come?**

**are you very hairy?**

_wouldn't you like to know!_

_just kidding_

**maybe i would.**

_I'm going to ignore that._

_no, I relate to the loss of control_

_I mean, a werewolf seems like a regular person during the day, but then every so often he becomes this horrible, unrecognizable monster who doesn't get to make decisions about his life._

**hm**

_What I mean is, sometimes I feel like I've lost control of my life, too._

_or like I'm not human anymore. That probably sounds so insane._

_you are far too easy to talk to, you know that?_

**that's a good thing**

**it doesn't sound insane. or, i don't know, i know the feeling**

_so, flawed nerd, what's YOUR spirit monster?_

**ok**

**give me a minute. you've obviously thought about this and i've got to find a good soul-bearing one**

_haha, I'm patient_

_ok, I take it back_

_I'm not patient_

_tell meeee!_

**ok ok**

**does someone like medusa count?**

_sure!_

**she's a monster right?**

_why not?_

_I say yes_

**i think so too.**

_are you telling me your spirit monster is a sorceress with snakes for hair?_

**yes.**

**definitely.**

_I TOLD you you're bad ass_

**i don't think she was a sorceress though**

**she was cursed**

_ah, mythology is slightly outside of my monster niche ;)_

_very interesting though!_

**i always felt bad for her**

_tell me more_

**she's cursed so that whoever looks at her is turned to stone. a lot of unintentional hurt.**

**all because she had the bad luck to love the wrong person.**

_Wow! I never thought of it that way. Unintentional hurt._

_You're really smart, Sirius._

_I mean, I knew that. You always got good grades. But this is different._

**that's... really nice of you to say.**

**like really nice.**

**it's mutual.**

**i don't really get to talk to james about shit like this.**

**i think when someone's already witnessed all the shit you went through, sometimes there's not a lot to say about it afterward.**

_I think it's still worth trying_

**yea. me too**

_is that why it's hard to talk to James? Because he was there for all of it?_

**yea. and idk... he loves me and knows me better than anyone. but james doesn't have a spirit-monster.**

_don't be ridiculous. Of course he does!_

**i don't want him to. it's just nice to talk to someone who does.**

**ok maybe something like an imp. a well-adjusted spirit monster.**

_yes, that makes sense_

_anyway, I'm glad my monstrosity is helpful to you_

**yea.**

**i think i get what you meant earlier about it being horrifying.**

**thinking about all the people who feel like a monster sometimes.**

_yeah. exactly. I couldn't figure out how to explain it right, but that's exactly it._

**but monster solidarity feels good.**

_it does_

**so, lily's coming to visit james not next weekend, but next next weekend...**

_yeah, she told me_

**and maybe you could get a ride with her? and we could get that korean food?**

_oh!_

_um, yeah. That would be cool._

**yeah?**

**ok great**

_See you then :)_

 


	4. Oversharing is a Lie

Wednesday February 3 11:18AM

_ I was wondering _

**yes?**

_ You told me what you wanted to be the other day. For your job, I mean. _

_ But, since that was just for that moment, _

_ What do you want to be today? _

**ha!**

**um...**

**oo!**

**i watched this documentary about cave paintings**

_ yeah? _

**and since these caves are like, worldwide historical treasures they have security guards**

**it'd be cool to be a cave security guard**

_ and again, you've come up with something beautifully specific _

_ is it the caves that appeal to you, or the security guarding? Or both? _

**literally protecting 30000 years of history. plus, if you were the guard, maybe you could pop in every once and while?**

_ yeah, like being a theater usher except for a world treasure. I see the appeal. _

**yea!**

**except it'd probably get kind of lonely, so only if i could bring a lover**

**my cave security guard contract includes a lover stipulation**

_ ha, good luck with that negotiation! :P _

_ I agree though, it would be better that way _

**yea. if only.**

_ so, that made me think of something _

**yea?**

_ (although do not ask me why, my brain makes no sense) _

**no promises**

_ in my Intro to Philosophy class the other day, these two guys behind me were making fun of the professor for using the word 'beautiful' to talk about men _

_ the professor was just borrowing language from the text, so there was that _

_ but anyway, I don't see why guys aren't allowed to claim that word! It kind of pisses me off, to be honest. _

**yea handsome kind of falls flat**

_ right? _

**i'm having a hard time not thinking those guys were idiots**

_ well, they're certainly not the brightest. _

**why does language have to be gendered? and if it was in the text, doesn't that imply that historically that word wasn't as gendered?**

_ You're so right. Plus, nobody looks at, say, a waterfall and says, "wow, what a handsome waterfall" _

_ that wouldn't mean anything _

**lol**

**now i want to**

_ hahaha, please do. _

**what a handsome sunset, oh what dashing rays**

_ Forget cave guarding, you should be a poet. _

_ really though, I still think if people are beautiful, they deserve to be described with that word. _

**do you think it was homophobic? not so much that they thought the word only applied to women, but that saying so about a man was 'too gay'?**

_ could be _

_ I don't want to assume that, but it's definitely possible _

**whatever.**

**men *are* fucking beautiful**

_ Yes _

_ it's obnoxious haha _

**definitely.**

**good to know there are still obnoxious shits in college**

_ oh, god. Yes there are. SO MANY of them. _

**you said 'if' people are beautiful they deserve to be described that way?**

_ oh _

_ I guess I did _

**don't tell me you believe in an objective scale of beauty?**

_ I don't think "everyone's beautiful" exactly if that's what you mean _

_ but no, I don't _

_ let me ask you _

_ what is, in you personal opinion, the most beautiful song you know? _

**oh... hm.**

**that's a good question. it's a different question from just favorite song**

_ yeah _

**i'm having a hard time thinking of a song that isn't all caught up in being sentimental**

_ is sentimental bad? _

**but it can be beautiful because of sentimental memories right?**

_ yeah, why not _

**i guess, across the universe. feels lame saying a beatles song but james made me listen to it once.**

**and i remember feeling like it was very beautiful.**

_ The Beatles aren't lame! _

_ and I like that song, too _

**i know they're not really lame. but they're not the sex pistols. or sleigh bells. you know?**

**not what i usually listen to. but it's all caught up in a memory. and beautiful isn't favorite so.**

_ honestly... I had to google sleigh bells haha _

_ and I listen to the Beatles pretty often _

_ besides, it was your answer, you don't need to justify it at all. _

**what's yours?**

_ oh _

_ Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine _

**(googling rn)**

_ lol _

**this sounds like you.**

**like remus in song form**

_ thank you? I'm just going to pretend that's a compliment haha _

**i think i mean it as one**

**why do you think it's beautiful?**

_ I don't know. _

_ When you heard Across the Universe that first time, why did you find it beautiful? _

**oh hmmm. kind of a long story...**

_ reallllly? Now I’m curious _

_ Are you gonna leave me wondering? Because that would just be cruel _

**you have to promise though that we'll still talk about why you brought up beautiful songs to begin with.**

_ I promise _

**my parents had just kicked me out/i had just left. went to james'. it was nasty, you know? and james happened to be listening to let it be. and he went to wake up his parents and i was just alone for a minute and across the universe came on**

_ sounds like a rough night _

**i guess it's the lyrics? "nothing's gonna change my world"**

**god it sounds. i don't know. like too teenage... but it meant a lot to me in that moment.**

**like nothing they said or did could change *my* world?**

**it probably could've been any song really.**

_ no, that song IS really beautiful! _

**but there you go.**

_ Not that I can tell you what's beautiful for you, but I think that's a great story _

**i guess i just mean,  the reasons i think it's beautiful probably have less to do with the song and more with the circumstances. so i kind of cheated.**

_ I don't know. I haven't thought about that before. _

_ The reason I asked - well, maybe you're not interested - _

**no i definitely am.**

**recall i made you promise you'd tell me?**

_ oh, right _

_ well, the thing is, I really wish people would talk about human beauty the same way we talk about musical beauty. _

**hmm**

_ does that sound crazy? _

**no it sounds really interesting.**

**when you asked me about a beautiful song it was really exciting**

_ I guess, I mean, we don't really listen to the same types of music, do we? _

_ Of course I like the Beatles because who doesn't? But The Sex Pistols are not on my regular playlist, you know? _

**no i don't think so, mr. folk poet**

_ hey, shut up :P _

**it's a term of endearment :P**

_ ha, okay _

_ I'm trying to think how to explain this _

_ the thing I like about it the most is the idea that beauty is only ONE thing we care about, rather than THE thing _

**yea nobody argues that what i think it a beautiful song is superior to what you think is a beautiful song**

_ also true! _

**yea! because across the universe is notable but definitely not my favorite. just one quality of song.**

_ We all get to have our own view of beauty, plus, we can also care about things being fun, or interesting, or cheerful _

_ and those can be just as good _

**or danceable or full of appropriate rage**

_ yes! _

_ oh, and another thing _

_ people don't judge each other for valuing the beauty in music. _

_ I think with human beauty, if you care about it, people think you're shallow _

**yea!**

_ but no one would say it's shallow to buy a Motzart CD _

**and can i just say? that's definitely annoyed me before.**

_ yeah? _

**yea! people have composed music and written poems, and sculpted beauty for all of human history. it's obviously something that's occupied humans since forever.**

_ I never thought of that. But it's a great point _

_ I mean, that philosophy text was hundreds of years old! _

**people are so quick to dismiss it now as something nobody should care about. but, obviously we do care about it**

**so how can we care about it in a way that's inclusive**

_ yeah _

_ that's a really good question to ask _

**remus- that music analogy is actually genius**

_ oh, I don't know. _

_ but it's helpful for me _

**it would be so much less hurtful if we could just view beauty the same way we view taste in music**

**helpful for you?**

_ I'm glad you liked the comparison _

**how did you mean it's helpful to you?**

_ er... I was hoping you'd forget you asked that. _

**yea i could kind of tell**

_ And I thought I was so smooth ;) _

**not gonna force it if you're super uncomfortable**

_ it's okay, I brought it up. it's my own fault _

**but just, it'd be really ok with me. like you wouldn't have to worry about 'oversharing' because i think the whole concept of oversharing is a lie**

_ that's good to know. Same to you. _

_ I guess the part that's helpful, or the first part, is the idea that people value other things in music besides just beauty _

**that idea is appealing. so many customers just treat me like... well really grossly. can't help but feel like if they valued beauty less i'd def get sexually harassed less**

_ Because I need to know that things besides looks count, frankly. _

_ that really sucks. _

**wait...**

_ do you really get sexually harassed at work? _

_ that's terrible! _

**all.the.time.**

**but**

_ ugh. _

_ I'm so sorry! You need a new job! _

**sorry i didn't get it at first**

**no! you're not changing the subject**

_ I wasn't trying to change the subject. I'm angry about you being harassed. That's fucked up. _

**i thought you meant it the same way i did... that like, people treat you differently or... idk. but you mean**

**look this is probably suspect because we're having a conversation about beauty and you just implied you think you're not, but just please believe me ok?**

_ my eyebrows are raised but I'm listening _

**and well, now i’m thinking maybe i shouldn't say it because other stuff is more important, like you being a smart werewolf-loving nerd. who comes up with great analogies. but um**

**i think you're beautiful**

_ I don't know how to respond to that. _

_ thank you, it's really nice of you to reassure me that way. _

**i've never felt so guilty for telling someone they're beautiful.**

**i'm not just reassuring you**

_ You don't have to feel guilty. It's not your fault you're so good looking! You have nothing to feel bad about. _

**that's not what i meant!**

**i meant guilty because i don't want to contribute to the system where beauty is the most important thing**

_ oh, well _

_ but we also agreed that it is okay to care about it _

**yes!**

**that was going to be my justification**

_ and, for the record, that's the other part that I find most helpful _

**yea?**

_ I think I'm pretty vain. Like, I care about appearance too much. _

_ Not other people's, just mine _

_ and remembering that this is a normal human concern eases my guilt about that _

**i don't think that's vanity**

_ No? _

**i think vanity is thinking your appearance or talent is the best**

_ oh, maybe. I don't know _

**i think just thinking too much of appearance is more shallow. but you're not that either**

_ maybe I am _

_ you give me too much credit _

**there's a difference between thinking too much of appearance and creating thoughtful analogies about it**

_ well, yes. But I don't think those things are mutually exclusive. _

**you're right.**

**but it's still hard to think of you as shallow.**

**maybe you give yourself too little credit?**

_ I don't know. _

**i'm sorry.**

_ what? why? don't be! _

**i don't know. you seem upset**

_ let's go back to what you were saying about your job _

**i kind of feel like a heel complaining about it.**

**not that i think sexual harassment is at all ok.**

_ we've talked too much about me already! And complaining is always allowed _

**don't you think it's kind of annoying though... for me to complain about people finding me attractive?**

_ it's fine, really _

**shrug.**

**i feel kind of awkward about it.**

_ you worked last night, right? _

_ did it happen then? _

**in the morning. and. yea.**

_ well, so. Tell me about it _

**it's not always straight up sexual harassment. that's kind of the worst part. not that i want to be harassed, but i could report that you know?**

**it's a lot harder to tell your boss, "he's always looking at me."**

**or, "he leaned forward on the counter, rather close to my crotch"**

_ ugh, awkward _

_ I'm sorry _

_ You could report it. I mean, you should be able to. But I know what you mean. People don't take it seriously, especially for guys. _

**there's this guy that comes in**

**and he brings his daughter. every sunday. he and his buddies sit on the couches and shoot the shit and his daughter has nothing to do.**

**she's really sweet too. obviously just wants the barest minimum of attention. and he's always apologizing about her? like, he just leaves her to her own devices in a coffee shop while he fucks around with his friends and then apologizes like "i hope she's not annoying you"**

_ aw, poor girl _

**and every once in a while he'll say something about me. like, 'do you have to be attractive to be a barista?'**

**like something really fucking dumb and fucking wink at me**

**and i KNOW he's married. and his wife is SO nice. and his daughter.**

_ *rolls eyes* _

**and he's fucking hitting on me?**

**it just makes me sick.**

_ what a douche _

_ I really get why that's harmful _

_ When you mentioned people looking at you I felt a little bad, because my first thought was, they probably can't help it. But that guy is obviously a jerk and that's so gross and hurtful ugh _

**can't help it?**

_ Well, there are distinctions here that matter _

**so i was gonna ignore it, because. well idk. i guess i didn't want to seem egotistical?**

**but.... you think i'm pretttttty?**

**but really... you, um? noticed me?**

_ Sirius, you're gorgeous. I don't see how anyone could disagree with this. _

**because beauty is not objective. and it's not anyone. it's you.**

**james just asked me why i've got "that stupidly happy" smile**

**you probably think i'm an idiot now because i definitely just fished for compliments and succeeded.**

**i pretty much wish i'd texted you sooner though.**

_ you're too fast, now all my replies are outdated :P _

**sorrrrrry. clearly overexcited.**

_ so, back to beauty not being objective. if we go back to music, there are certain songs most people would agree are beautiful, right? I don't mean shitty pop music but, like, La Vie en Rose. _

**i mean... maybe. do they love la vie en rose in indonesia?**

_ fair point. I have no idea. _

_ you just love forcing me out of my safe little fortress of analogy, don't you? _

**i just think your analogy is even more inclusive than you thought.**

**like, they probably don't love la vie on rose in indonesia. but i bet lots of people think gamelan sounds really beautiful.**

_ you're missing the point, Sirius _

_ (although yes, I'm sure that's true) _

**not that they couldn't. they could love it. someone in indonesia definitely does love it.**

**sorry.**

**what's the point?**

_ what I'm saying is, you have the type of beauty that, though NOT generic, many many people can appreciate because it's just that beautiful _

_ not that that gives anyone the right to sexually harass you or act like your looks are the most important thing about you. _

**this isn't a fair argument because you're simultaneously making your points and making me all gooey from compliments**

**you're not allowed to distract me by giving me what i want.**

_ I disagree. Be gooey. _

**so i'll allow your point (and there's no way i could not be gooey rn)**

_ oh, by the way. _

**no**

**no wait**

_ what? _

**i don't think i'm missing the point bc you have to consider that it can be true that lots of people appreciate a certain one song. but also that people appreciate a huge variety of songs. and that appreciation is no less true.**

_ absolutely. I completely agree with that _

**and that maybe fewer people appreciate a song, but it's not less beautiful for it. it's the same awe when i pick out a "beautifully specific" job**

_ I don't know _

**like, maybe it's even more beautiful because the specificity of it, and the things that make it uncommon**

**just consider it.**

**consider that maybe somebody thinks you're beautiful in all your specificity. and that it's not the most important thing but it's there and it's true.**

**ok?**

**sorry if i'm being pushy. just, you know, don't dismiss it outright. just maybe hold on to the thought for 2 seconds**

_ I'm thinking about it _

_ That was a very kind thing to say, regardless. Thanks. _

**ok good. because for a minute there i thought you'd never speak to me again**

_ Of course I will _

**you're just kind of quiet rn?**

_ yeah, I'm sorry _

_ Okay, I thought about the thing _

**and?**

_ Maybe the problem is that, as good as that theory sounds, and as much as I would agree with it in pretty much any other context, there's no evidence to back it up for me personally. _

_ But I'm being a whiner _

**evidence?**

**it wasn't evidence when i said i think you're beautiful?**

**the "someone" in the analogy was me. i thought that was obvious.**

_ it was obvious. _

_ I'm an English major, Sirius. Give me some credit ;) _

**lol**

**well then what kind of evidence do you need?**

_ I mean, it was nice of you to try to make me feel better. _

**i'm not trying to make you feel better**

_ I don't need evidence. This is just how things are for me. I'm not good looking. Whatever. Neither was Einstein by most standards. _

**i bet einstein's wife loved running her fingers through that crazy grey afro**

_ She probably did _

_ this is a very strange conversation _

**well if you'd just believe me :P**

**but you did consider it and that's all i asked so i guess...**

_ I'm sorry. You're being really great _

**and you're being really stubborn.**

_ it's true _

**do you make it this hard on every guy who's trying to flirt with you?**

_... It doesn't come up very often _

_ but I'll let you know _

**i'm gonna take that as a resounding yes.**

_ of course you are. _

_ I'm rolling my eyes again, by the way _

**yes well. me too**

_ now I'm laughing _

**:)**

_ also, you didn't give me a chance before to say this. _

_ (rude, interrupting :P) _

**right. sorry**

_ i pretty much wish i'd texted you sooner, too _

**in my defense**

**i kind of thought you hated us since lily did for so long**

**and also, you were ALWAYS reading**

_ is that bad? _

**an impenetrable reading fortress**

_ I like reading! I wasn't trying to be antisocial. _

**it's fucking awesome**

**it's not like i thought you were antisocial. just... there was nothing that indicated you wanted to be social with me**

**which brings me to my third point**

_ for the record, I always told Lily she needed to stop being so damn uptight and admit she had the hots for James. And I always thought you were hilarious. _

**you could've texted me :P**

_ Yes, which is why I wish I'd texted you sooner! As I just said! _

**no! you said you wish *i* had texted *you* sooner**

**oh oops**

**no you didn't.**

_ haha _

**maybe i'm just feeling guilty?**

_ I wouldn't know, but that was hilarious _

**well, as much as i enjoy when you laugh at my expense**

**it's my night to cook dinner**

**and james is moaning pitifully on the couch about his barren wasteland of a stomach**

_ What are you making? _

**oh i don't know? pasta?**

_ nice, well, enjoy your dinner _

**yea. i'll text tomorrow?**

**you can help me ignore customers**

**and therefore remain sane**

_ lol, sounds good _

_ have a good night _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who has given kudos, subscribed, and commented! your feedback is lovely and much appreciated.


	5. Painfully Slowly

Friday February 5 2:38pm

  **hey are you busy?**

_Nah._

_Well, I need to clean my dorm and do laundry. And also homework because I’m going to a party later_

_Regardless, I can find an hour for chatting with you_

_always always_

_I said it twice so it would feel less sappy but it didn't really work_

**lol**

**well good**

**james has been at the station all week and i don't think i've spoken to a non-customer human for 24 hours...**

**i actually kind of like cleaning**

**too bad i can't help**

**just not dishes. dishes are the fucking plague.**

_dishes :( :( :(_

_haha_

_I wish you could help too!_

_I know so many people that find cleaning cathartic but I just hate it_

**i wouldn't say cathartic**

_what would you say? I need to embody your non-hatred of cleaning._

**i just like repetitive, hands on things.**

**and it makes me feel productive and like i'm holding my life together**

**and i like clean places.**

_well, i like the AFTER cleaning part haha_

**even though i suck at every other aspect. the toilet gets cleaned.**

**while i'm cleaning though i think about that**

**it’s the only adulting i can manage**

_yeah_

_it feels like adulting to me, too_

_which is something I'm generally pretty terrible at. so._

**right**

**me too**

_At least we’re together in our non-adultness_

**but somehow i can usually get myself to clean**

**so like TRIUMPH**

**and that will be you tomorrow**

**you'll be like TRIUMPH**

**maybe i'll clean in solidarity with you**

**i could surprise james by doing the laundry.**

**my towel smells weird.**

**how often are you supposed to wash towels?**

_I just wash them when I start to think "I should probably wash that"_

**lol**

**i like your style**

_I am the worst housekeeper ever._

_I can't have my parents over. They'd be so ashamed._

**i can’t have my parents over either.**

_I thought you were clean though?_

 

 

Friday February 5 4:17pm

  **sometimes i sort of feel like i was supposed to grow an exoskeleton and never did**

**and i look around at everyone else's exoskeleton and wonder how i never managed**

_... is this metaphorical or did Kafka become reality while I was studying?_

**wasn't kafka metaphorical too?**

_I guess it depends on how you read it. As does everything._

**well between metaphor or metaphor, i'll have to go with yes, metaphorical**

_well, that is good news_

_but, maybe not?_

**i don't know. i'm not sure i even get my own metaphor.**

_I fucking love metaphors_

**and that's why i texted you.**

_I feel a little guilty that I'm suddenly smiling so much when you feel exoskeleton-less_

**that's ok.**

**maybe i'll build a shell of remus smiles to substitute**

_I'll happily oblige. Although I am not that smiley as a rule. But I'll do my best._

**that's what'll make it a tough shell. hard won smiles.**

_omg. I'm totally blushing._

_Anyway, I'm highly intrigued. What does it mean to have an exoskeleton?_

**Idk. i just feel sort of**

**ugghhhh**

**i sort of regret saying anything?**

_please don't_

_i swear Sirius, when people share their shit with me it makes me feel.. I don't know._

_Valued, I guess._

_I mean, that sounds fucked up_

**is that fucked up?**

_I mean, I'm not saying I feel good because you have shit. I'm sorry you have shit. But if you have to have it, I am definitely glad you share it with me._

**that’s why it’s not fucked up. you wanna hear because you give a shit.**

**i mean. i don't doubt that you're ok with listening to my shit. you're great.**

**but it's just sooooo much easier to hint at a problem with a stupid metaphor then actually say what's wrong. like i know i'm doing it and i still can't make myself say it.**

_that's one of the reasons I love metaphors. they can be a good road into the truth._

**like. in one sense i've got a pretty damn good exoskeleton because i never share my shit. you know what i'm saying?**

_very protected_

**like the words never get past it. like the bad kind of exoskeleton that separates you.**

_I'm sorry_

**but then.**

**i feel like all my fleshy bits are just exposed. like things hurt so easily.**

**and i wish i was tougher you know? not so thrown off by a bad dream or a personality test result or a customer.**

_are those examples random or specific?_

**specific.**

_recent?_

**yea. but not only recent. there's always something. some small thing other people seem to be able to get over.**

**or like, instead of curling up protecting their fleshy bits they go for a run or apply for scholarships or say 'fuck them' and that's it.**

_how do you know?_

_How do you know other people don't feel hurt even after they go for a run or whatever?_

**it's not that i know that.**

**but like... ok so lily's pretty stressed out right? but when she feels stressed she researches like a thousand scholarships and fellowships and writes out a list and checks it off you know? she *does* something**

**like she *copes***

_well, as you previously mentioned, Lily is a goddess_

**and actually, i feel pretty confident saying all the ills of james' life are cured by a good run.**

_yeah_

**i guess that's what i mean by exoskeleton**

**like, we've all got fleshy bits to protect that get hurt easily**

**but other people seem to have figured out ways to recover or improve**

**and i'm just over here licking my wounded fleshy bits.**

_I don't_

_know how to improve, I mean_

_I think I get wounded and then I can't deal with it. So I slap on a band aid and pretend it doesn't exist. But sometimes I think I'm numb to the world._

_oh!_

_I just thought of something._

**yea?**

_There's actually a medical disorder that makes people unable to feel pain. And it's super dangerous._

_Like, they might given themselves terrible burns or break bones and things like that because they have no way of knowing when they reach their limits_

_Their exoskeletons are TOO strong, but they aren't invulnerable._

_I don't think that numbness is better than heightened sensitivity._

**i honestly wonder**

**in high school i always felt like, i'll never become jaded. i'll never be complacent. i'll always really feel things and get hurt. like i thought it was poetic?**

**and now it doesn't feel poetic or non-complacent. it just feels like i'll always be so busy feeling hurt that i'll never do anything with my life.**

_I'm trying to figure out what to say that would be helpful_

_but all I can think is that the grass really is always greener_

_because sometimes I feel so numb, I feel like I'm not even human_

**when you're all moony from being a werewolf?**

_well, yeah._

_I suppose_

_but it happens all the time_

_you remember the Paris shootings?_

**yea**

_Everyone was so upset. SO upset. It was all anyone talked about for weeks._

_And obviously I thought it was really sad and frightening_

_but I couldn't feel connected to that sadness and that fear when the events didn't have anything to do with me._

_it was like, I didn't have a right to those emotions_

**because other people were more connected to what happened? or because you're unworthy of feeling emotions?**

_the first, I think_

**isnt that kind of normal?**

_no_

**oh?**

_because everyone else was so upset, and they weren't any more connected than me in a logical sense_

_And I felt broken in some way, that I couldn't muster that same depth of feeling_

_So I see your vulnerability and to me it's like the peak of humanity to feel so fiercely_

_So I guess what I'm saying is, if you don't have an exoskeleton i think that's pretty incredible._

_but i know it means pain, and that sucks_

**well since you seem to find my complete and utter inability to toughen up attractive somehow, i don't mind telling you that made me cry a little.**

_whoops_

_unintended_

_also, toughness is overrated_

**like the good kind of very attractive and not at all snotty crying**

_lol_

_noted_

 

 

Friday February 5 6:09pm

  _oh, i just remembered you mentioned a personality test._

_I love personality tests_

_Tell me more?_

**lily thought taking the meyers briggs test would "give me some direction"**

_uh oh_

**lol**

**yea**

_so, you took it? What did you get?_

**i got enfp**

_That's not to far off from me_

_I'm an INTP_

**i was sort of in the middle of the introversion extroversion one. the test i took had percentages.**

**i was kind of annoyed because for a lot of the social questions i’d have a different answer if james was with me**

_yeahhhhh haha. I'm 92% introverted_

**and like, i'd get stuck because i'd think about what i would've said before i graduated and now**

**like i didn't procrastinate as much.**

_interesting_

_me neither_

_so, I'm really curious as to why you found the test upsetting?_

_I hope it's okay to ask that_

**the first thing was the description**

**it was like, enfp's have a tendency to seem aimless or directionless**

**and i was like, well that's just fucking great. thanks for confirming what i was already afraid of.**

**and then all the careers that were matched with it were things i've never thought of wanting to do**

**like teacher and artist and actor**

**not that i know what i want. but definitely not those? but then i was like, is that what i'm supposed to want?**

_my gut reaction is no_

_They didn't list cave painting security guard?_

**nah. that's probably for intj-ers or something**

**they get all the cool jobs.**

_haha_

**they're probably out there designing napkins and not questioning whether or not their the 'life of the party' without their best friend**

_those lucky bastards_

**just laughing at us too. poor sods who got stuck with actor**

_it's kind of cool that you got actor though. A lot of people would want that_

_not that you ought to want it, but I don't think it reflects negatively on your type_

**nah i don't either**

**but it threw me for a loop you know?**

**so i started looking up the test**

**and found all this criticism but lily felt like i was just making excuses and maybe i am**

**i dont know**

_actually_

_i know someone here who's a grad student in psychology_

_and he's always ranting about how overrated that test is_

**yea?**

**it seemed kind of sketchy to me**

**like, jung? really? why's he get the last say on personality traits?**

_yeah_

_i like the test because i think it's interesting_

_but it isn't scripture, you know?_

**you know i love looking at my horoscope?**

**one of my coworkers is super into that shit. like does star charts for people and everything**

**and it *is* interesting.**

_oh yeah, that makes sense. Space!_

**it's nice having something to compare yourself against, even if it's bullshit.**

**instead of trying to figure out who you are from a void of descriptors.**

**you can be like, am i organized? oh hell no.**

_hahaha_

_Right?!_

_It’s reassuring to know there are other people who are the same type. Like, no matter how shitty I am, other people who are equally shitty exist and have been successful._

**that holds up even if the types are bullshit, because there’s still someone out there who answered the same way about being the life of the party or whatever**

**you feel that way too? like you’re too shitty to be successful?**

_Er. Yeah._

**at least you hide it pretty well. like at least you applied to college and got in and picked out a major you like.**

_I guess. I shouldn’t complain, really. I’m super lucky to have this scholarship and everything. Don’t let me complain so much._

**i didn’t mean it like that at all. more like, maybe you should give yourself more credit because you’ve already succeeded at those things.**

**and those things aren’t given you know? all the time people assume i’m in college because they can’t imagine someone my age isn’t, and it’s just like, it’s not a given. it’s hard.**

_I’m so sorry, Sirius._

**i don’t want you to be sorry. i’m trying to tell you you’re succeeding. and you should feel good about that.**

_I don’t know what to say. Mostly I’m caught up in how unhappy you sound talking about this._

_Also, I think there are different definitions of success. Like, you are gainfully employed and healthy and interesting, which to me all seem like just as important marks of success as being a college student._

**i don’t want you to worry too much about this, ok? i tell myself the same things. i pay for all my own shit. i live on my own. i’ve got good friends.**

_Yes! See?!_

**yea. i see. do you?**

**about yourself i mean?**

**like if we’re gonna celebrate my gainful minimum wage employment we should at least acknowledge you’re attending a pretty prestigious university on scholarship. since we get to measure all kinds of success? right remus? :P**

_You have trapped me into saying a nice thing about myself and it is deeply uncomfortable. But also, pretty nice of you._

_Thanks._

**anytime. really.**

  
  


Friday, February 5 8:21 PM

  _I said I’d contribute something to drink at this party tonight but liquor stores are overwhelming. How are there so many kinds of alcohol?_

_I’m going with gin, tonic, and a cucumber_

**ewwwww cucumbers are gross**

_I'm about to share something weird and personal about me. Are you ready?_

**ready**

_I eat cucumbers whole. Like, as a snack. I love them. And everyone thinks this is weird and I don't get it!_

**you eat the ends too?**

_well, not the *very* ends. Unless they're uncommonly nice_

**i really like imagining you biting into the bitter end of a cucumber and relishing it**

_hahaha_

**big smile, happy chewing.**

_I don't think they're bitter?_

**they are!**

**i have experienced it firsthand!**

_I think cucumbers taste like the food version of water._

_and I like water_

_lol_

_I always feel bad for my server at restaurants because my glass has to be refilled all the time!_

**i’m actually the worst at drinking water**

**james makes fun of me because i hate having my glass refilled. it's become A THING**

**bc i have guilt if i leave water in the glass but i just can't drink that much**

_Aw, that's adorable._

_When we go to that Korean place, we can rotate glasses so we both seem like normal water people_

**excellent idea. but we’ll have to be sneaky because i don’t want james catching me. THE THING would be even worse**

_My lips are sealed_

**donnnnnnt there’s literally no response that isn’t a sleazy pick up. none. it doesn’t exist.**

_I doubt that_

_However, if you want to practice pickup lines on me, I’m not going to shut you down._

**ok but not sleazy ones. only high quality, genuine ones.**

_Obviously. Even werewolves have standards._

**obviously. medusas are just careful since they have a tendency to turn people to stone, you know?**

_Speaking of sleazy, there’s a joke there about getting hard that I can’t not point out._

**fml**

**i’m just changing the subject.**

**party huh? tell me about the party.**

_Oh, just some people from my dorm. My friend Frank really likes this girl Alice and I promised him I’d wingman._

**i always offered to wingman for james with lily, but he seemed to think that was a bad idea :P**

_Well, you both grew on her eventually. Even if it was a painfully slow process that involved me rolling my eyes about a thousand times._

**lol. i’ll let james know the best that can be said about us is that we grow on you painfully slowly.**

_I wasn’t talking about me. I was talking about Lily._

**proverbial you.**

_Still._

_Speaking of non-proverbial me, I have to go finish my essay before the party starts. Talk soon._

**k, have fun. with the essay i mean.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pssst- were you wondering about this line? 
> 
> "james has been at the station all week and i don't think i've spoken to a non-customer human for 24 hours..."
> 
> lestranger and bbd have cast james as a firefighter (because it seems like the ultimate gryffindor occupation to us) and felt like this is information both boys would know about james and therefore unnatural to bring up with other each as if they didn't know. 
> 
> so we're just telling you :)
> 
> as always, but no less genuinely: thank you for reading!


	6. It's All Fruit

Saturday, February 6 1:37 AM

_im drumk_

_you shouldve come franks friends are lame_

_i miss you_

  


Saturday, February 6 11:42 AM

_Did I call you last night?_

**no just the texts :)**

_Oh thank god. I’m so embarrassed about the texts though_

**don’t be. i was pretty pleased to be on the friends-i-text-when-drunk list**

_You are definitely on the list!_

**how was it?**

_It was really fun :) I hadn't gone dancing in AGES_

_I always forget how much I love it until I do it again._

**at a club?**

_it was really a bar, but they have a dance floor_

**i’ve only been to parties. not out out**

**(even though i fucking love dancing)**

_I mean, I was also drunk_

**goes without saying**

**but you WENT in the first place**

_well, I wouldn't have done that without the Bachelor party._

_Dude, we need to go dancing. If I can do it, anyone can do it. :P_

_But it's okay not to do that, too._

**i almost went to a gay club with a friend last month**

_why not?_

_too scary?_

**the logistics were too difficult bc the friend didn't have a car but lived 45 min away**

**and james was at the station that weekend, so no dd**

**But tbh, it wasn’t just the logistics**

_It never is_

**the night we were supposed to go, that day at work another asshole made a comment about my ass. just wasn’t feeling it.**

**felt like it’d be just another place where people could eye fuck me and say shit**

_Honestly, going out usually really intimidates me_

_Although, obviously, for different reasons_  

_But one of my big goals is to say yes to things unless I  actually can't do them. Even if it freaks me out a little._

**that demands a lot of follow through**

_It does. I don't always succeed._

_but whenever I think "they probably just invited me because they felt bad" (which is often), I remind myself that if that's the case, it's their problem._

**can i ask something that probably seems tangential?**

_always_

**i'm always caught by this idea: "i just want to experience as much as possible." which people generally say to mean, like, a variety of activities- going to clubs, traveling, trying drugs, etc etc**

**do you think you have to DO something to EXPERIENCE something?**

**which seems like an obvious duh, but? idk?**

_I think we use the word 'experience' to mean this big, visibly important thing_  

**yea!**

**i guess like, there are levels of "experience" that someone need "experience" in order to feel that they've "experienced"?**

_I think the Holocaust might be a good example here_

_I've read a lot about it, and I've been to the Holocaust museums in DC and Israel._

_It horrifies me, of course, and frightens me because had I been there, I would have been personally involved. And also because it's frightening, just generally._

_So, I have the experience of learning about and thinking about and having feelings about the Holocaust._

_And that is really valid._

_But I DID NOT experience the Holocaust. And to claim I have would be offensive._

_But I still had experiences. Like, everything is an experience._

**hm ok yes.**

**ummm what's a good event that's happening now?**

**let's just take something happy. you can watch videos of iron and wine performing some songs at a concert**

**let's say you even watch it live.**

**the gap separating you from *experiencing* it is getting smaller**

_hmmmm_

_Yes, I can see that._

_But I dislike the word "gap" bcs I think it has a definite negative connotation_

**yes! i think that's what's irking me.**

**here's another question**

**you didn't experience the holocaust. but your experience with the information and places of the holocaust... just as valid as someone's experience of the holocaust?**

_yes_

_just as valid. But not the same. I think experiences are like apples and oranges._  

_And you can talk about them comparatively, because it's all fruit, right?_

_But you also know there's this inherent difference._

**i think what gets me about the "i just want to experience as much as possible" is the implicit privileging of experiences which are more active**

_I AGREE_

**i guess what i'm saying is, i think thinking and reading and talking are ACTIVE**

_I agree with you_

_And so does grammar_

**and they're often cast as passive. not experiential. not special.**

**YEA. good point. about the grammar.**

_I mean, reading Simon Snow is definitely an experience._  

_I remember lying on my bed, on my stomach, and how quiet the house got at night, at the excitement, but also the lethargy of those days spent entirely reading, how all-consumed I was in the story_

_and someone who hasn't been obsessed with a book hasn't had that experience. Even if I spent all of it lying on the bed._

**yea. and the tears and the aching.**

_yes_

**i needed this conversation. it assuages my guilt about how i spend my time.**

_oh, Sirius_

**any experience can be *important* if you have the guts to actually think about it.**

_absolutely_

**so when you talk about "saying yes" to things**  

**you mean... social situations? invitations?**

_yeah. Because I often get anxious and think "they probably don't want me to go." or "I'll be so awkward" or other things like that. If I'm tired as fuck and really don't WANT to dance, that would be different. But I love dancing. I like being with people._

_Maybe rather than saying "yes" all the time, it's more like I'm trying to learn to say NO to the self-doubt that's always in my head_

_I don't want to make decisions about my life based on social anxiety._

**i only recently realized that maybe i’ve been doing that?**

_Yeah? What made you realize?_

**i don’t know? not one thing. more like my whole pathetic post-grad life**

**i guess i just always thought it was me and james and peter because i didn’t like anyone else? And well i didn’t really… at our high school. But now i’m realizing, maybe that wasn’t the whole reason?**

_Honestly, I think the BEST thing about college, even more than the eventual degree, is that there’s still easy access to friends._

_I mean, I didn’t have that many friends in high school either. And if I didn’t have built in social stuff for college, I probably wouldn’t have any friends besides Lily these days._

**mrs. p said the same thing. but i think it’s more than easy access. i don’t know how to explain?**

**james and i play in a rec league for soccer. the guys on our team all seem alright. nobody says ‘no homo’ in the locker rooms.**

**but i just can’t Remus. like i think about texting them to hang out but i never do and i kind of don’t know why**

_To be honest, I think that’s pretty common._

_You know, like social anxiety._

_I hope that didn’t offend you. Lily has it, you know_

**really?**

_Yeah. I don’t know how often she tells people, please don’t mention it._

_I’m just saying, it’s not nearly as uncommon as you might think_

**that actually helps a lot. my dad...**

_yeah?_

**i was just worried that maybe i was… acting like him. but if lily feels this way too sometimes… that helps.**

_I’m glad_  


 

Saturday February 5, 12:49 PM

_Hey Sirius? I’m really glad you told me that._

_And, just so you know_

_I’ve sort of been there too._

_or, perhaps I should say, I'm an apple but I feel for your orange._

**you know what i like about you Remus**

_I'm kind of tearing up about that question_

**you don't use any rhetoric about feeling better.**

**instead you say things like "i'm an apple but i feel for your orange"**

_HECK YEAH METAPHOR_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year! 
> 
> simon snow belongs to rainbow rowell
> 
> pssst... you can find bbd on tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/bigblckdog


	7. You Know and Stuff

 

Tuesday February 8, 10:28am

**remember when we talked about the gendering of beautiful?**

**instead of actually listening to customers today, i've been making a mental list of other words that aren't applied to men but should be**

_ ooh, excellent! _

_ what have you got? _

**not much so far bc it's hard to think while simultaneously making lattes**

**but: dainty**

**and my favorite: willowy**

_ yes, guys can totally be willowy! _

**don't you wish you could call a thin, tall guy something other than gangly?**

_ yes! _

**like gangly is always paired with awkward.**

**but some men have long, lean, dare i say graceful limbs**

_ I agree with dainty on principle, even though I can't think of any guys off the top of my head who I think are dainty _

_ but willowy is for SURE. All of that is so true _

**yea me neither**

**petite, also**

_ oh, yes! _

_ darling _

_ lovely _

**yes!**

**and there's tons of words like curvaceous and buxom**

**and comely**

_ oh my gosh that is an amazing word _

_ let's definitely add comely to the list _

_ question _

**yes**

_ I know you feel objectified at work a lot. So, when is it okay for people to use words like this? _

**that is a fucking fantastic question**

**thanks for asking remus**

_ like, I agree guys can be comely. But when is it okay to tell them that? _

**when i'm at my job i can't react how i would in a different situation where i'm not obligated to be nice to everyone**

_ well, yeah. Of course. _

_ that doesn't seem okay. _

**right, so the first thing, i think, is when the person receiving the compliments is in a situation where they're relatively free to tell you to go fuck yourself if they want to.**

_ that's an excellent distinction _

**beyond that though it gets nebulous**

_ so, hypothetically speaking, if I went into a coffee shop and the barista was totally my type _

_ would it be inappropriate to say something like "you have a fantastic smile"? _

_ or is that ok? _

**is this hypothetical barista also shamelessly texting you all the time?**

_ hahaha _

**because then yes of course**

**ok that question brings up another distinction for me**

**there's a difference between complimenting someone's body and someone's shirt or something.**

_ sure _

**or like, sexualized body parts and non-sexualized body parts. which, blurry line because people like different things. but you can pretty much tell the difference between someone who's genuinely complimenting your shirt, and someone who's ogling your body in your shirt.**

_ I believe that _

_ so, would a smile be okay? Or eyes? Help a single guy out here! :P _

**i think i good rule of thumb would be if your aunt would give you that compliment.**

_ haha! _

_ That's excellent! _

**because it's a nice impulse, you know? to tell someone something nice you see in them**

_ yeah, but it isn't nice if it takes away the person's feeling of personhood and identity and control _

**yea! yea exactly**

_ okay, I *think* I'm in the clear here to say _

**speaking just for myself, if someone were to hypothetically tell me i had a pretty smile, that would be well-received**

_ you have a fantastic smile _

**thanks for making it happen :)**

_ pretty would be correct, but not strong enough _

_ Pretty! I don't think that word is on the list! _

**buxom, perhaps?**

_ haha _

 

Thursday February 10, 11:37pm

**HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERES AN ACTUAL MONSTER IN THE TUB**

**I THINK ITS LARGE ENOUGH TO EAT CHILDREN SAVE ME REMUS**

**(picture of a spider)**

_ omg _

_ are you really afraid of spiders? _

_ not gonna lie, that's pretty adorable _

_ do you need me to come over and save you? _

**please**

**james is at the station**

**also he told me to grow a pair, which is a dumb thing to say**

_ is it weird that the thought that james usually gets to save you from spiders makes me jealous? _

**:)))))**

_ does that mean not weird? _

**but maybe you wouldn't feel that way if you knew i've woken up james in the middle of the night**

_ hmmm.... _

_ NOPE _

_ definitely still jealous _

_ possibly more so _

**omg i need a minute to recover**

**FUCK IT MOVED WHILE I WAS BLUSHING**

**reeeeeeeemus what do i do?**

_ trap it in a mug and leave it for James _

_ or preferably for me, but that seems less likely _

**mug requires too much proximity**

_ hmmmm _

**you'll just have to teleport over here. you'll find me swooning on the couch**

_ I wish I could! _

_ wait, swooning? _

**yes swooning.**

**you implied bed sharing**

_ i did indeed _

**oh my virgin sensibilities :p**

_ wait _

_ are you? _

**hm, not a virgin. but i've never bed-shared.**

_ oh, gotcha _

**but i would want to bed share.**

**annnnnd i'm blushing again**

_... me too _

_ I've never been so excited for Korean food _

**is that what the kids are calling it these days?**

_ I legitimately just laughed out loud. In public. _

**so were you just gonna let me confess my sexual history and not reciprocate?**

_... yes _

**ok, it really doesn't matter. so long as we're clear about what 'bed sharing' actually means and are comfortable with that.**

_ that's really cool of you _

_ let's just say I'm not super experienced and leave it at that? _

_ I mean, i'm not totally inexperienced but yeah _

_ and just to be clear- i actually meant just sleeping in the same bed all night. _

**ok cool. because, uh experiences would be nice and not unwanted. but i was sort of hoping for more than experiences?**

_... i'm not sure what you mean, "more than experiences" _

**not just sex.**

**you know.**

_ yeah _

_ absolutely _

**spider catching and coffee together and stuff**

_ how are you so fucking charming all the time? _

**yea bc mr. darcy wooed elizabeth by saying 'you know. and stuff.'**

_ honestly, he wasn't that chatty, so that isn't as inaccurate as your sarcasm implies _

_ sorry, #litmajor _

**lol**

_ anyway drinking coffee and protecting you from spiders and stuff sounds wonderful _

**i love it when you pull lit major snark on me**

_ i try _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're excited to have a new chapter up and hope you enjoy!
> 
> next chapter will be somewhat plot advancing?? weeeeird.
> 
> with love,
> 
> lestranger and bbd 
> 
>  
> 
> psst you can follow @bigblckdog on tumblr if you want to be subjected to passionate defenses of coffee shop aus and their role in the fanfic revolution


	8. Werewolf Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick trigger warning: there are some very realistic descriptions of depression in this chapter.

 

Saturday Feb 6 9:38 AM

_Hey I'm so so sorry but I'm not gonna make it today._

_I hope you guys have a great weekend_

  


Sunday Feb 7 5:49pm

**lily just left**

**she said i should text you**

**but look, if you'd rather not, you know**

**do all this. text and meet up.**

**that's fine. just let me know.**

**or like, you can tell me you had a headache and then go to in n' out and i'll know what that means**

  


Monday Feb 8 10:18am

_shit, Sirius, I'm so sorry_

_I was sick this weekend_

**yea?**

_You probably think i'm an asshole now_

**nah**

_I feel really bad I didn't respond last night_

**just... why didn't you tell me you were sick?**

_i was_

_shit_

**oh is this like "sick" like "headache"**

_no_

**so you were sick.**

**it's fine**

_did you see Peter? Lily said Peter was gonna go_

**yea pete came**

_okay. cool_

**ok?**

_look I know i'm being shitty_

_i mean, not on purpose_

**i don't mean to make you feel bad cause you were sick and that's totally cool. but i kind of thought you were, uhhh not dumping me, bc we’re not dating but**

**anyway i wasn't a whole lot of fun.**

**pete and james played video games all weekend and lily studied**

_sounds like them *eye roll*_

**pretty low key**

**guess you didn't miss much**

_of course, i laid in bed all weekend so I can't say anything_

**you feeling better?**

_kind of._

_yeah, yeah I'm fine_

**are you sure?**

**did you go to the doctor?**

_it's not like that_

**oh**

  


Monday Feb 7 1:20pm

_hey_

_so_

_i know I told you i was sick_

**you don't have to spell it out remus**

**i pretty much get it**

_you do?_

_because this morning i felt like I didn't explain anything_

_it's not the easiest topic, you know?_

**what? that you're not interested in me?**

_Wait!_

_No no no_

_fuck, things are all screwed up_

_totally my fault_

_as usual_

**uh**

_i wasn't lying when i said I was sick_

**ok**

**so you would've come?**

_i wish i had_

**not gonna lie, i make really good soup. we would’ve taken care of you**

_god, i'm such a mess_

**wait**

**Remus?**

_yeah?_

**maybe it's not helping only saying half of everything?**

_you're right_

_i know_

_okay_

_you know how I said my spirit monster is a werewolf?_

**yea**

_well, this weekend was... werewolf time, I guess_

_I pretty much laid in bed hating myself all weekend, to put it bluntly_

_and i was already hating myself_

_and then Lily said Peter was coming_

_and like_

_he's always so chill_

_and i just wanted to disappear_

_i couldn't let you see me being so pathetic_

_and now I will leave you alone so you never have to deal with my lame ass jerk self again_

**wait**

**shit that's not fair**

**i don't want you to disappear**

_you should_

**shit. there's. you just told me a lot of stuff.**

**really personal stuff and i don't want to fuck this up, ok?**

_ok_

**it's totally selfish of me to frame it this way but i definitely don’t and shouldn’t want you to disappear because who would i talk about monsters with? and complain about shitty customers? and who'd ask me what i wanna be?**

**i really liked all that stuff.**

_me too_

_you're not selfish_

**there's other better reasons why you should be in the world that don’t have to do with how you relate to me**

_doubtful. but you're sweet_

**um... would you say werewolf time is ongoing?**

_some times are more wolfy than others_

_but yeah, it is_

**i feel like you've already told me so much. i didn't mean to force you to share this. but also, thank you for telling me**

**like, really, really thank you**

_I should have just told you the truth but it scares people away_

**maybe it scares people, but i'm a monster like you**

_anyway, I didn't think you'd care that much_

**well. i do care. isn't it obvious that i like you?**

_oh, um. I don't know._

**i mean i actually used the word dating up there, unprompted**

_it seems pretty impossible, to tell you the truth_

**um.**

**i can't even.**

**let's just come back to that.**

**can i just say?**

**it's ok. you're not a jerk**

_I'm kind of a jerk_

**like if you were sick with the flu, it'd be crazy to get mad at you. and you could just tell me you were sick and i'd say sorry, how can i help?**

**and the thing is, being a monster is like being sick**

_yeah. well, that's because you're a really good guy_

**maybe that's too many metaphors in one sentence**

_haha_

**but just like getting the flu, it's not as if you can help it, and just like the flu you feel like shit**

_yeah_

**and you wouldn't beat yourself up for getting the flu. and neither would i.**

**and it's the same with this.**

**i don't blame you for this. i just wanna help.**

_i'm really grateful you see it that way_

**what's the chicken soup and movie marathon equivalent here?**

_i wish i knew_

_I'm sorry I'm such a mess_

**well i can only offer what i know makes me feel better when i feel like medusa**

**you don't ever have to apologize to me for being a werewolf**

**and you can always, always talk to me about it.**

**if you want.**

_sometimes you seem too good to be a real person_

**it's good to know i'm not saying all the wrong stuff**

**but also, i've definitely got shit too. that's how i learned to say the right stuff.**

_you're allowed to have shit_

**thank you**

**you too**

**did you wanna talk about your shit..?**

_talking about it always makes me feel like a whiny narcissist_

_and I'm sure you don't want to hear about how messed up I am, anyway_

**that's not true.**

_I mean, I guess it's pretty simple. Basically, I'm aware that I'm worthless and I spend a lot of time wishing I didn't exist._

_which is a worthless activity, but - see point 1_

_oh god_

_was that too much?_

_have I officially scared you away?_

**no**

**not at all**

**just trying to think of what to say**

_that's fair_

**it's hard to see you talk about yourself that way**

_I'm sorry_

_I know it's really bad for relationships_

**there's nothing to apologize for. i just know, i guess from experience, that me telling you you're not worthless doesn't really penetrate**

_from experience?_

**but that's my gut reaction you know? i wanna say right away that you're not. that you're actually so many wonderful things**

_I don't mean to sound ungrateful_

_it's not that I think I have a bad life_

_actually, I think I'm fucking lucky_

_but i don't deserve the luck_

_it should've gone to someone better, that's the problem_

**that's an impossibility.**

_what do you mean?_

**and based on a view of yourself that's warped**

_nah. I could list of lots of reason_

  **i’m sure you could**

_See!_

_but I'm guessing you wouldn't like that_

**it's not about what i like**

_what is it about?_

**it's about putting some distance between you and the wolf enough to see that you aren't actually a monster.**

**like it's the hardest fucking thing, but the monster part doesn't get to tell you who you are**

**does that make any sense at all?**

_yes_

_the monster isn't always in control_

**right. yea**

_but it's always there_

_and it's always right_

_I don't know how to explain it without sounding insane_

**this is where i'm gonna be a nerd about precise language.**

**when the monster is in control it feels like it's always right**

_Nerdy is good_

_but, I disagree with your precise language_

**i shouldn't have put words in your mouth anyway.**

**i'll listen. promise.**

_The monster is ALWAYS right. i'm boring and awkward and stupid and all of it ALL the time_

_sometimes I can fake it for a while_

_but the monster is still right_

**no ups? just downs?**

_occasional ups_

_but the ups feel like lies afterwards_

_and the downs always feel true_

**you're pretty incredible. you go to class everyday and do your homework and got a fucking scholarship and are a genuinely cool person all while feeling like this.**

**i'm so fucking sorry that you're feeling like this Remus**

_god, no, I'm sorry_

_I'm such a loser whining about it when people have real problems_

**you're not. these *are* real problems**

**here's the thing**

**my mom's... not well. and i don't want to get into it, but she always took it out on us.**

**and really. i've met so many people and they're not doing well and they don't care how it hurts you. or they don't even think to notice if it's hurting someone. every day people come into the shop and they're rude to me and treat me like shit and it's because they feel like shit.**

**and i don't blame them. there's a lot of shit to feel shitty about. shit shit shit. right?**

_I guess._

**but you don't do that.**

**all lily ever says about you is what a good friend you are.**

**and i saw that too. for years.**

_*rolls eyes* that's bcs she wanted to make sure James knew we were 'just friends' before I was out_

**that's not even close to true.**

_I'm pretty sure it's true, Sirius_

**i know there's not a lot i can say to convince you of your own self-worth**

_i'm sorry_

_i know this can't be a pleasant conversation for you_

**but please, please just let me admire that you feel like shit and you don't perpetuate that by making other people feel shitty.**

_if you want to think well of me, I'm not going to complain about it_

 

Monday, Feb 7 2:03 pm

**what do you want me to do?**

_you've been really great_

**no i mean**

_it isn't your job to cure my depression_

**i don't want that job either.**

**i'm not qualified**

**but i feel like**

**how do you want this to be?**

_well_

_I guess you understand now why I bailed?_

**yea**

**i just don't wanna be pushed away.**

_so, can I have another chance not to push you away?_

**you know, it wasn't the bailing that felt like pushing?**

**like once you told me that was totally cool.**

_I'll be up front next time_

_I was embarrassed_

**no**

**that's not what i mean either. like it's ok**

**it's really really ok. you don't have to justify that at all**

**fuck it. it just feels weird when i tell you i like you. and you don't believe me?**

_i never thought of it that way_

_I guess when you put it like that, I have to believe you_

_i still think it's crazy, but I don't think you're lying_

**if it helps i can remind you a lot**

**that i'm not lying.**

**i think i told you once that i don't want to be the kind of person that withholds affection**

**and i mean that.**

_you did tell me that_

_and it might help_

**but like. only if you want me to?**

_thank you_

**so um.**

**are you gonna make me ask?**

_yes_

_no, I'm just kidding_

_do you wanna get Korean next weekend?_

**lol will you please fucking tell me you like me first**

_i do_

_I like you_

_I think you're the coolest ever_

**cool cause i like you too**

**korean sounds great :P**

_awesomesauce_

**awesomesofttofu***

_I should probably go now. I'm already ten minutes late for class haha_

**shit sorry!**

_#worthit_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're sorry. this chapter was hard for us too.
> 
> love,
> 
> lestranger and bbd


	9. The Luckiest Gays

The next few days were languid and dull, a condition Remus both resented and identified with. Lily had stormed out on him at lunch yesterday because he checked his phone so often, but he still hadn’t heard from Sirius by Thursday morning. Apart from anything else, he missed him. Somehow, over the course of the past weeks, Sirius had come to feel like his closest friend. More than a friend, if Remus could have his way.

Only, Remus had fucked everything up. Of course he had. When did he ever not fuck things up, especially when it came to dating? It wasn’t worth the risk when Remus knew himself to be undesirable in so many ways. And yet… Sirius knew that now. He knew about the werewolf and the worthlessness and all of it. Despite everything, he’d still seemed to be interested. But if he was interested, why hadn’t he texted?

Feeling grim, Remus dragged himself to the library. He’d only gotten through two pages of his textbook when he sighed and let his head fall against the desk. He didn’t understand why Sirius liked him, or how anyone could want him, but… _It’s not your job to decide if Sirius likes you. Just trust him. But..._ The absence of texts pained and worried him. What if it was too late? _Trust him._

Remus pulled his phone out of his pocket and tried to conjure the truest words he could say.

 

Thursday Feb 10 10:02 AM

_I miss you_

 

Thursday Feb 10 12:36 PM

**i fucking missed you too**

_Thank god for that_

**seriously i was dying.**

**driving james crazy**

**he says thank god too, btw**

_That is weirdly sweet._

_I’m sorry you had a frustrating week. And also sorry for being, you know… such a mess._

**pleeease don’t apologize.**

**i’m just so fucking happy you texted**

**i was starting to think… idk. that you weren’t going to? like ever again.**

_I couldn’t never text you again. I swear these have been the worst three days of my life without talking to you._

_Tell me about your week._

_Tell me the job of the day._

_Tell me everything!_

**i didn’t even think about jobs this week.**

**like i just moped all week and annoyed james**

**but umm… maybe i can come up with some right now? if you want? like we’re back right?**

_I hope so. I want to be back. I want to_

_I want to date you_

_And i want to hear the job of the day, obviously_

**REMUS**

**HOLY SHIT**

**are you asking?**

**can i be all yes yes yes yes??**

_yes yes yes yes_

_I am smiling like a fool in the quiet section of the library_

 

Thursday Feb 11 12:45 PM

_Are you still there?_

**yea just**

**james and i are victory dancing in the kitchen**

_:)_

_I’m packing up my stuff because the library is too stifling for my excitement_  

**i highly recommend a location where you can shamelessly air punch**

**also holy shit. i thought we were never going to talk again and now you’re my boyyyyyfriendddd**

_Ha! And you’re mine! I’m dating Sirius Black!_

_You don’t know how long i’ve been wanting to say that_

_But i honestly thought it would never happen_

**fucking saaaaame**

**like, clearly i have no chill so i don’t mind telling you… since sophomore year.**

**and then we actually started talking right? and you’re so smart and so**

**fucking. blergggh. i’m a little overwhelmed right now.**

_That makes two of us_

_But, sirius?_

_Sophomore year? Really? I can’t believe you’ve liked me that long._

_I’m literally not sure I believe you_

**for real tho! low-key crush because i thought you would never be into me**

**but definitely since then**

**it was when we had those choose-your-own-book presentations and you did the curious incident of the dog in the night time**

_Oh yeah. Honestly i completely forgot about that. Good book, though_

**i had actually read it and didn’t really like it. i got annoyed at the stilted language the whole way through bc i was so fucking immature.**

**and then you got up there and you saw so much more in it. so much smarter and kinder. and like, actual empathy.**

**i read it again after your presentation.**

_I don’t know what to say. That’s really cool. I never knew you paid so much attention to me. I feel very flattered._

_I think I’ve liked you since before that. I’m not really sure when._

**it’s my turn for disbelief.**

**i was pretty much a dick freshman/sophomore year. idk what you could’ve seen in me.**

_You’re being too hard on yourself._  

_I mean, you and James were both kind of tools back then_

_But i knew you were decent, really. I remember when you stuck up for peter that time when your cousin went after him._

_And. OMG._

**??**

_I just remembered something totally embarrassing. But you must have forgotten it._

_One time sophomore year… I think it was at a party or something_

_You caught me crying in a hallway. It was a werewolf day and i just cracked under the social pressure and then you were there and i was BEYOND mortified. But you didn’t say anything to anyone. You were just like, “oh, sorry man,” and you walked away._

**i do remember that. i was too fucking afraid to do something about it.**

**honestly that’s kind of a dick move.**

**like i *talk* a lot about not withholding affection, but i left you in a hallway crying?**

_But you kept it private and that meant a lot to me_

_Like, a lot_

_What i’m saying is, i knew you weren’t really a dick_

_Besides, you’ve improved with age ;)_

**idk have i?**

**i should’ve texted you two days ago**

**i really should’ve texted you.**

**like i wasn’t trying to be withholding but i was anyway, right?**

**but i didn’t mean to be. really remus.**

_I know. It’s okay. Really._

_*I* should have texted you!_

_It’s just so hard for me to wrap my head around you and me as a reality_

_I was afraid if i blinked it would all go away_

**but i told you i’d remind you.**

**i was just so afraid of being pushy. and james said to let you establish what you were comfortable with.**

**i actually made him take my phone so i wouldn’t crack.**

**but like, now that we’re dating i can text you all the time right?**

_Please do!!! :D_

_For the record, James doesn’t know me nearly as well as you do. I’m damn good at pushing people away. If I ever wanted you away (which I don’t foresee), i could definitely make that happen._

_So by all means, be pushy. I need that._

**it’s such a fucking relief**

**like not having to worry about seeming too creepy or eager if i just want to text you all the time.**

_I never thought you were creepy. And eager is underrated._

**I AGREE**

**people should just be allowed to care**

**but also it’s scary and sorry i didn’t do it, lol**

_That’s okay_

_I don’t even know if I seemed eager or not_

_Did i?_

**yes? it was pretty fucking wonderful when you wanted to save me from spiders and bed share.**

**also you texted me today. sooooo**

**you’re eager and brave and wonderful and my boyfriend.**

_Oh christ_

_I don’t_

_I can’t_

_WHAT ARE WORDS???!?!_

_I absolutely cannot wait for Saturday. I think i might explode._

**please don’t explode. it would complicate the demonstration on the merits of standing snuggles i’ve been planning**

**omg. you’re my bf now. we can have standing standing snuggles.**

**once you’re converted, of course.**

_Done! I’m converted! Boom!_

_Maybe I could come up on Friday afternoon…_

**we just need to talk to jily. i think they have a plan?**

_I just want to see you_

_Omg_

_I’m going to be able to touch you_

_Like, even the idea of putting my hand on your arm makes me feel electric_

_Er, not that i’ll just put my hand on your arm without asking._

**i wasn’t really worried about that :p**

**altho i am kind of surprised that you’re cool with talking about touching?**

**but i like that. i really like being up front about touching.**

_Was that too forward?_

_Honestly, Sirius, I don’t know anything about relationships._

_That is a pretty awkward thing to say. But it’s the truth_  

_I don’t know what’s normal_

**i really don’t give a shit about normal.**

**it’s pretty “normal’ in my experience to avoid the subject of intimacy at all costs and just hope you’re both on the same page and fumble through those first interactions and i hate that shit.**

**let’s just fucking talk about it. it’s not “too forward”. it’s honest and it makes me feel good.**

_Good. That’s good._

_Honestly, I have definitely thought about…_

_Well, you know. Intimacy. With you._

**:) i’ve thought about it too. especially since the bed sharing conversation.**

**but you know, intimacy is a broad term. i don’t actually know what you specifically mean**

_My god_

_Okay_

_I’m gonna need a shower later_

**lol**

**i’ve definitely had sex on first dates before. i don’t have any rules about like, 3 dates before kisses.**

**i do whatever i feel comfortable with and i’m generally comfortable with a lot.**

**esp if i really like someone :)**

_I’m smiling so much people on the street are gawking but idgaf_

_But also_

_I might be in a little over my head here_

_I haven’t_

_Fuck_

_There are definitely a lot of things, though not everything, that I’ve never done before._

_I really don’t know how i’m going to feel with you in person about that stuff. If i’ll feel comfortable._

_But also I really really like you_

**i don’t like the idea that not having had sex before means you’re in over your head.**

**like, i get that that means you’re unsure of your comfort level**

_Yeah. I didn’t mean in over my head in terms of, you know, being with you (I am happily blushing just writing that)_

_I meant with this conversation, that you seem to have a strong sense of what you need_

_And i have no sense of that at all. So i guess i’m asking for your patience?_

**remus… of course i’ll be patient.**

**does that mean you’re uncomfortable talking about it now?**

**i shouldn’t have assumed that what makes me comfortable would make you comfortable too.**

_Wait_

_I want to clarify_

_When I said patience i didn’t mean like… not doing stuff._

_I just meant, patience with me as i figure out how all of this relationship business works. You know?_

**lol. ok we’ll “do stuff"**  

**you know, it’s not like i know what i’m doing either.**

_You’re sure you’re not moonlighting as the Love Doctor?_

**alas i’m only qualified to be the love barista. much less capable of actual good decisions.**

**maybe this is naive? but what’s there to figure out? we just tell each other how we’re feeling right?**

_Yeah. That’s true. I can do that._

_Maybe you are the love doctor after all_

**that title just isn’t very sexy**

_It’s not supposed to be. The Love Doctor is the relationship advice column in the student newspaper here. Definitely not sexy lol_

_You know, on second thought there’s no way you could be him._

**because i’m super bad at relationships or because you think i’m sexyyyy**

_yes._

**yes? yes to both?**

**i can live with that.**

_To be fair, I wouldn’t say “super bad at relationships”_

_But probably not advice columnist level ;)_

_omg, it’s only been 8 minutes since I looked at the clock. It’s going to take forever for Saturday to get here now that I’m so excited!_  

**do you think it’ll be weird talking in person?**

_I dunno. Maybe. But good weird._

**i can be kinda quiet sometimes.**

**will it be weird not talking in person?**

_It depends what else we’re doing ;)_

**omg remus. this reminds me that i’ve been dying to tell you i had no idea you’re so fucking smooth and it’s ridiculously sexy.**

_I’m ignoring that._

_But seriously. We’ll be fine. We’ll find our rhythm, you know?_

**also the reassurance that this won’t be weird. that’s sexy too.**

**try to ignore that!**

**your emotional support is a turn on.**

**what now?? :p**

_The ideas of myself and sexy and turn on can’t exist in my head at the same time_

_Maybe it’s a werewolf thing_

_But i’m glad you feel reassured_

**well mostly. can i just say?? i don’t know how to explain the quiet thing. idk. i didn’t think it was weird but mrs. p is always like, are you ok?**

**and i’m ok.**

**i don’t want you to think it’s not going well or something**

_Will it annoy you if I want to talk when you’re being quiet? Or do you need quiet around you too?_

**i don’t enforce quiet. god know james talks incessantly. it’s totally cool.**

_Good point._

_On that note, it’s possible Mrs. P’s perceptions are a little skewed_

**so it’s cool with you if you’re talking and i just nod along?**

_Sirius._

_Stop worrying._

_I’m insanely excited about you. I think I can handle some nodding._

_Let’s just have a good time being in-person boyfriends_

**ok yea.**

**just, you know, if i am worried it’s because i really like you.**

**and i really like our conversations and i don’t wanna ruin that.**

_=)_

_I really like you and our conversations too._

_God. I’m so excited._

**i kind of hate to bring this up but... i’m really glad you’re excited but like.**

**last time we tried to meet up it wasn’t the best experience for you?**

**… does this feel different from that time?**

 

Thursday Feb 10 1:50 PM

_I’ve now realized that there is a flaw in the werewolf analogy_

_Because unlike a werewolf, i can’t predict when i’ll turn into a monster._

_I want you to know, i was really excited for our other visit. The monster snuck up on me._

_I wish I could promise that won’t happen again._

_I do promise that I won’t bail on you. But I can’t predict the wolf._

**actually, you don’t need to promise me any of that? i was asking more if there’s something i can do to make it easier??**

**but maybe not if there are a lot of unpredictable moons**

**but maybe there are some predictable moons?**

_Hmm.  Again, all I can think to do is ask for your patience_

_I’ve messed things up before by being a werewolf and i really don’t want that to happen with you. So if you can just bear with me while I’m figuring out how to not do that, that would be unbelievably wonderful_

**how not to be a werewolf?**

**because that seems fucked up?**

_I think i meant more, how not to let the werewolf part of me make the decisions_

**i just don’t want you thinking you have to be different for this to work. the way you are now is working. works for me.**

**i like you. is what i mean.**

_We haven’t even had our first date and i already feel like the luckiest gay ever_

_So that was supposed to say ‘luckiest guy’ lmao_

**gay typos are the best typos**

_=)_

_But, going back to not being a werewolf_

_i appreciate what you’re saying. It’s wonderful to be told you don’t need to change._

_Really wonderful_

_But i do need to change how i act with relationships, i think. Like, you say you like me. But you probably didn’t like me when I bailed on you before. And that was wolf time._

**i didn’t like the bailing. i still liked you. it was the verb**

**not the subject.**

**i don’t wanna get into to it too much, but i actually have a lot of practice separating subjects and their verbs.**

**so like, if you want to work on changing bc that works better for you. by all means. but i just want it to be clear that i’m not asking you to be different.**

**that’s conditional like. and i’m not about that.**

_I know. You’re amazing. And I know you’re not asking me to change, i promise._

_But, Sirius?_

_Can I ask…. What did you mean when you said you have practice separating subjects and verbs? Because I’m guessing you didn’t mean grammar._

_And I know you said you don’t want to talk about it too much but you’ve said things in passing before… I’m just a little concerned?_

**whelp.**

 

Thursday Feb 10 3:34 PM

**ok well. you know when you said i was amazing up there?**

**mrs. p sent me to therapy for a long time when i went to live with the potters. and that’s how i know how to say all this shit.**

**but i still… remember my bad exoskeleton?**

**it’s just family shit. my family is**

**it’s with my family that i have a lot of practice separating subjects and verbs.**

**and you don’t have to be concerned because i’ve distanced myself from them a lot**  

**but you’re really different from anybody in my family. like the separating the subject and the verb with them is totally different**

 

Thursday Feb 10 4:39 PM

_I’m so sorry_

_I was in class_

_I really hate that I can’t hug you right now, not gonna lie_

**a hug would be nice**

**hugs are always nice.**

**let the record show i always want hugs, ok?**

_Done_

_*all the hugs*_

**i’m sorry i won’t say more**

**like i want to. just not right now.**

**and i’m sorry because you open up about stuff all the time.**

_Please don’t be sorry_

_I’m not a very private person._

_Or, I am. But once I trust someone, I trust them entirely. And then it’s easy for me to be open. It’s just a thing, you know? But I know most other people aren’t like that_

_I do hope you’ll tell me more because it’s hard to help you bear this burden when I don’t really know what it is_

_But I can wait_

**thanks.**

**it’s not really a trust thing for me. like i trust that you’ll be kind and wonderful and “bear the burden”**

**it’s just that like. i get fucking wrecked**

**and i don’t usually want to deal with that. you know?**

_God. Yeah, that makes sense._

_It is effing breaking my heart to think of you feeling this much pain_

_(had to use a baby swear so it wouldn’t sound too mushy)_

**OH MY FUCKING GOD**

**a baby swear.**

**you’re killing me right now.**

**i like you so much.**

_Lily just asked me why I’m blushing so much_

**you can tell her it’s because your own adorableness is overwhelming everything else in the world**

_I told her it’s because “Sirius is the sweetest boyfriend ever” and showed her your text_

_(just the last one, don’t worry)_

_She says “thanks for not letting Remus beat himself up.” Which I kinda resent lol._

_Also she says we are disgustingly cute and she can’t stand it._

**yea she just texted me “stop slobbering you overlarge puppy”**

**we have a v diff relationship, apparently.**

_Lol_

_I guess we’ll see on Saturday. When I see you. In person._

_I SIRIUSLY CAN’T WAIT. (you see what I did there?)_

**i feel like i should be face palming but actually i love that. you can sirius pun at me anytime.**

_=)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaaay! the requisite sirius pun! now we're a real wolfstar fic!
> 
> also that gay typo really happened. and we kept it, because freudian slips are real, and we really are lucky gays.


	10. The Best Possible Specificity

Saturday, February 12 11:43am

**i couldn’t really sleep last night bc excitement**

**and now i’m at work and i think i might actually hate everything.**

**everything remus.**

_ This begs the question _

_ When you’re exhausted at your barista job, is coffee your best friend or your worst enemy? _

**coffee will always be my queen**

**but when i’m tired, whipped cream is my best friend**

_ Now i really want a cinnamon hot chocolate. The honors college has free crap coffee so I never get the good stuff these days. _

_ Anyways. Job of the day, to distract you? _

**hmm**

**it’s not very exciting like cave guard**

**but i was looking into dental hygienist school??**

_ Yeah? That’s great! I always think the hygienists are way nicer than the dentists. _

_ Is that a “job of the day” thought or a multiple day thought? _

**idk.**

**well. i just thought of it today but then i started looking it up**

**seems… adult. could make an actual living wage and people’s mouths don’t gross me out.**

_ I’m glad you’re thinking about things but you don’t seem very excited about it _

_ Although I am now feeling a little paranoid about the quality of my mouth lol _

**the quality of your mouth?**

**you really don’t need to worry**

**i’m pretty sure i’m fixated on your lips**

**they’re very pretty**

_ So I actually didn’t foresee my self-deprecating aside turning into flattery and now I don’t know what to do.   _

**you don’t have to do anything**

**although actually maybe you should prepare yourself for that happening more often?**

_ Anyways _

_ What you said about dental hygienist seeming “adult” made me think about something _

**tellllll meeeeee**

_ The more I interact with people older than me, the more I start to think the whole concept of adulthood is a sham _

_ Like, we tell little kids they’ll do things when they grow up. And in my head that always meant having everything figured out. But at what point in a person’s life do they wake up and say, “I’ve done it! I’ve got life all figured out!”?? _

_ It’s not a thing. _

**why are the adults still peddling this lie?**

**like if everyone grows up and figures out it’s not true, why the story of adulthood?**

_ Beats me. Maybe everyone is too terrified of feeling like a teenager forever to admit that they do? _

**facing a life of feeling like a teenager forever *is* terrifying**

**maybe i prefer the story**

_ Interesting _

_ To me it’s kind of reassuring.  _

_ If I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time, it doesn’t make me a failure as an adult. It just makes me normal.  _

**but how do you get ok with not knowing what you’re doing?**

_ You really ask the tough questions. _

_ I like that about you  _

_ I don’t know. I guess it just takes time? _

**james and i went to visit one of my cousins in phoenix once and she took us to the art museum there**

**and there’s this dark room and the walls are all those forever mirrors. you know what i mean? those mirrors where like the image keeps going back?**

_ Yeah. that sounds cool. _

**and the room has all these tiny lights hanging from the ceiling so it’s like you’re standing in space. bc the mirrors make the tiny lights feel repeated forever and it’s very dark**

_ It’s like fabricated infinity. I’d like to see that. _

**yea! exactly! fabricated infinity. god you’re wonderful.**

**anyway james and my cousin andi loved it**

**and i had a fucking panic attack and had to leave**

**so i kind of wonder if maybe some people are just born better at dealing with the unknown and infinity**

_ I’m sorry that happened _

_ I think it’s true, actually _

_ I mean, I do think some people are better with possibility, and others are better with specificity _

_ Does that sound weird? _

**no not even a little**

**which are you?**

_ Can it be circumstantial?  _

_ Because sometimes, like when I have an essay to write, I really like specificity and knowing exactly what to expect. _

_ But with long term things, specificity scares the shit out of me. With the things that feel important, I definitely like possibility more. _

**so here’s a tough question :p**

_ No! You wouldn’t! ;) _

**let’s say the circumstance is us meeting up tonight. lol. just hypothetically**

**specificity or possibility?**

_I feel like it doesn’t apply perfectly, but possibility is less stressful than specificity in that “hypothetical” circumstance. For me._  

**:)**

**if i’m being honest, i think i probably prefer specificity most of the time**

**but also in that ‘hypothetical’ circumstance possibility feels like the more romantic answer**

**like you’d be cool with any number of things so no pressure**

**right?**

_I am sure your specifics will be great, no matter what they are. Does that answer your question_  

**mm yes**

_ Yes? You’re sure? Please don’t be anxious _

**right well. i’m a little anxious but not *afraid* you know?**

_ Yes _

_ Anxious is a weird word. It’s sort of inherently ambivalent.  _

**ambivalent? you think so?**  

 _Not in the “i don’t care” sense. In the “two simultaneous opposites” sense._  

_ Like, nervous and wishing something wouldn’t happen, and excited and wishing it would happen immediately. At the same time. _

**sdkjfjlgnf i need a minute bc you just said something so fucking smart that i can’t think of anything but how much i like you.**

_ You can have your minute bcs i’m blushing too much to think now myself _

**i just   gaaaaaah**

**i don’t know how to explain the whole history of my fucking love affair with “two simultaneous opposites”**

**like that idea. like i think i probably think of true and simultaneous opposites the same way my tia druella thinks about christ.**

**and you just said that. and like, can intellectualism be a kink?**

_ My first thought was, “yes and it’s called sapiosexual.” _

_ My second thought was, “I fucking hope so.” lol  _

**do you have an idea like that? that like, whenever someone brings it up you’re like “yes! that’s everything i’ve ever cared about!**  

_ That’s some question. I have to think about it.  _

_ Maybe, the idea of memory as reality. _

**mmmm remus**

**i feel confident saying yes, sapiosexual.**

_ ;) _

_ I’m honored.  _

_ Especially because with some of the insanely genius people in my classes it’s hard to feel like i know anything sometimes. Academic insecurity and all that. _

**what’s attractive to me isn’t some objective smartness scale of that idea, but that you could think of some idea that you actually care about.**

**i fucking hate being talked down to, like those people who think they own those ideas and their explanations.**

**and i just want to snuggle down with you and hear the whole remus story of memory as reality.**

**i know we said possibility and not specificity, but could we do that? this weekend?**

_ That sounds like the best possible specificity _

_ Aaaah, only three hours. I’m so excited!  _

**best possible specificity. yea.**

_ Yeah =) _

**ok marlene is getting annoyed with me walking to the back room to text**

_ Oh! I’m sorry!  _

**it’s fine. marls loves me. but i do need to go**

**see you tonighttttttt**

_ yay _

 

 

James sat in his car with the windows rolled down and blared on the horn again. Two minutes earlier Sirius had stepped out of their apartment and fiddled with his keys at the door, only to disappear inside again. Sirius emerged once more shouting something and trying to flip James off while closing the door, dropping his keys, cursing, and finally, finally locking the door and jogging to the car.

“Close the fucking windows! It’s too cold for that shit!”

“Get in the fucking car and I will!” James laughed.

Sirius swung into the passenger seat and set his hands on the dashboard where they could roast in front of the heating vent. He fiddled with the heavy watch on his wrist, unclasping it, and clasping it again, before pulling it off and shoving it into his jacket pocket. 

One block from their apartment he gave up. “Pull over.”

James turned to him with a look halfway between amusement and annoyance. “What is it? Did you forget to change into a fifth identical tee shirt?” 

“Shutup. Switch places with me. I need to drive.” 

“You drive like a bat out of hell. No way am I torturing myself for the next two hours anticipating a horrific crash.”

“Please Jamie,” Sirius pleaded. “I feel fucking insane already.”

“Fine.”

James got out of the car and walked around the back while Sirius scrambled over the console inside the car, getting his snow sludgy boots all over the radio dials. James tried to keep his annoyance in check as Sirius was clearly losing his shit, and calmly installed himself in the passenger seat. Sirius was clutching the steering wheel with white knuckled hands, and as if the tight grip wasn’t enough, James was sure he’d never seen Sirius drive with  _ two _ hands before.

Sirius pulled away from the curb, hunched over the steering wheel and  _ signaling _ . Traffic laws were definitely new territory for him. James raised his eyebrows, but at the expression on his friend’s face felt it was wiser not to comment. 

He waited until Sirius had relaxed a little in the seat before speaking. “You know what mom would say right now?”

“What?”

“You’re a doodle, Sirius." 

Sirius huffed out a laugh despite himself. “She would. Where does that phrase even come from?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s pure mom.” James chanced a side glance to see that Sirius was smiling  before continuing. “She’d be right. What’re you so worried about? Aren’t you guys already dating?”

“That’s just it!” Sirius said, yelling in that slightly hysterical way of his. “Isn’t it weird? We’ve never even hung out and now we’re dating and-- Jamie! What if we have  _ nothing  _ to talk about?”

“Nothing to talk about? You talk all the fucking time. Can’t get you to pay attention to me anymore.” 

“Yea but it’s…” Sirius stalled, looking ahead intently at the road, his mouth drawn into a thin line. James just waited, and was rewarded for his patience with a resigned sigh.

“It’s all, you know, just abstract stuff. Well not for him. He tells me things. But you know how I get-- just, just talking around things.”

James hummed in response, turning the radio down to a soft murmur.

Sirius let out a loud groan. “I’m fucking doing it right now! Can’t even fucking say I can’t talk about my fucking feelings!” 

“You just did.” 

Sirius cracked a quick smile at James, before turning his gaze straight ahead again. “It’s just. What if all that abstract avoidance shit isn’t enough in person? It’s different in person.”

“Look, Remus obviously likes ‘all that abstract avoidance shit’ because I literally have to tear your phone out of your hands to get your attention.”

Sirius just nodded, still driving much too carefully. 

“And, you know man, these things grow. Lily and I didn’t start out sharing all our deepest darkest fears on date number one.”

“Yea. Yea you’re right.”

“Yea, just let it be, right?” 

“Yea alright.”

“And maybe stop driving like dad because you’re freaking me out." 

That got a real laugh out of Sirius; he slumped back into the seat, sliding his hands down to the bottom of the steering wheel. James cringed as Sirius sped into the left lane while fiddling with the radio dial and turning it up to an obscene volume-- much better. 

 

*

Remus had never before looked at the pile of laundry on his floor and felt quite so desperately that it was all utter crap.

“For god’s sake, Remus, just pick something.” Lily was lying on her stomach on Remus’ bed, kicking her shoes against the wall in time to the music and highlighting nearly every word in chapter nine of  _ An Introduction to Microbiology _ . 

Remus lifted a checkered shirt, sniffed it, and threw it into the corner in despair. “That’s easy for you to say. You look like a goddess in everything.”

She looked up, smirking.

“Sirius’ words,” Remus added hastily. 

“I don’t think that’s as reassuring as you meant it to be. But anyway, I’ll gladly look like a goddess. I am a goddess. Or, I will be a goddess when I ace this chemistry midterm.”

Remus wasn’t really listening. He knew Sirius had _style_. Like, actual fucking style with a leather jacket and jeans that made his ass look indescribable and shoes that were actually cool. Remus did not own any of those things  

Well, Sirius’ ass probably would look amazing in Remus’ crappy jeans, but that didn’t do Remus much good, did it? He pulled on a blue button-up he’d borrowed from Peter, but it drowned him, making his skinny frame look even skinnier. Maybe a cardigan? He searched the floor.

“You’re way overthinking this. Sirius likes what he likes. If he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have texted you in the first place.”

Remus almost disputed this, but then he caught himself. Lily was right, as usual. “Okay. Yeah. That’s true. What would I do without you?”

“Whither and die?” She suggested. “I am a goddess, after all.”

“Oh, I know!” He brushed her answer away. “I’ll wear the sweater I wore to that party. He mentioned the sweater.”

“Fine. Great. You are such a girl.”

“Hey!” He threw the discarded button-up at her. “Don’t stereotype!”

“Just put on the damn sweater, Lupin.” 

Remus did, and ran his fingers through his hair. He was excited to see Sirius. Of course he was. But… What if in person it felt different? What if Sirius took one look and realized Remus wasn’t nearly good-looking enough or cool enough or smart enough to date the likes of Sirius Black? And what if he didn’t? What if Sirius liked him in person just as much as they liked each other via text? Remus had no idea how to be a boyfriend. 

Why the hell had meeting in person seemed like a good idea? 

He left the room for a few minutes to shave, and the dorm bathroom felt cold compared to the comfort of his room. His 5 o’clock shadow was more like a 3 o’clock shadow, which was honestly embarrassing. Maybe Sirius got a 5 o’clock shadow too. Maybe in the morning he had scratchy cheeks, and soft lips, and…

“Fuck!” The pain of the cut pulled him out of his daydream. God he was inept. He stopped the bleeding with toilet paper and prayed it was far enough under his jaw not to attract attention.

“Remus?” Lily’s voice drifted in from the hallway. “James just texted. They’re out front.”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. This was going to be disastrous. Remus was going to ruin everything forever and never get to talk to Sirius again. 

Maybe he could say he was sick. He could say it was werewolf time. But he had promised Sirius that he would go, that no matter how shitty he felt he would at least be physically present this time.

He found Lily just outside the bathroom, holding his bag and his coat. “Thanks,” he mumbled. She was good like that. She knew he had to keep moving forward or he’d go round and round forever. He threw his razor into the bag, put on his peacoat with deliberate slowness, and followed Lily to the front door feeling absolutely hollow with fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weeee! we're so psyched about posting these next few chapters! we hope you enjoy reading them as much as we enjoyed writing them.


	11. Doing Something

Sirius bent down to check his bun in the car window, turning from side to side before pulling out the elastic with a frustrated groan. He swiftly pulled his hair up again and secured it, swiping at the strands around his face before yanking it all out and starting over again.

James leaned against the car door next to Sirius, facing Lily’s dormitory building and barely concealing his mirth. He watched Lily and Remus emerge, bundled up and carrying overstuffed backpacks before saying in a loud voice, “Give it up Pads, you’re already ravishing.”

Sirius just grunted, barely sparing James a glance and completely unaware Remus and Lily were walking over.

James ruffled his own messy hair unperturbed. “Looks the same as the last seven times,” he called out again, definitely loud enough for Remus to hear. Lily caught his eye and muffled her laughter in her coat sleeve.

“Shut up.” Sirius said, as Remus and Lily approached the car. “Just want to look good.”

“Hey, Lily,” James said, “tell Sirius his precious man bun looks fine.”

Sirius spun around. “You’re such an asshole!” He yelled, elbowing a laughing James in the side, but he was smiling, eyes flicking over to Remus.

James pushed off the side of the car to give Lily a bear hug, exclaiming how much he missed her and calling her all manner of ridiculous pet names in quick succession. Sirius reached up to brush his bangs away from his face one last time before taking a step toward Remus.

Remus had stopped walking several feet away, and was wearing a slim gray peacoat over the very same knit sweater that had prompted Sirius to finally lose his shit and text Remus. He looked impossibly adorable, his cheeks already rosy tinged from the brief but chilly walk over to the car. Sirius wanted to bound forward and press his face into that sweater, but Remus was holding his backpack close to his chest and looking anywhere but at Sirius.

“Hey,” Remus said.

Sirius tried to remember if he’d ever seen Remus look so nervous, but he couldn’t think of a time. So, he reigned in his impulse for standing standing snuggles as-soon-as-possible and instead rocked forward and extended his arms to ask for the bag. “Here,” he said, noticing he hadn’t even said hi but plowing forward anyway, “We’ll have to put it in the trunk. The backseat is tiny.”

“No problem.”

Sirius dug the car keys out his pocket and turned to unlock the trunk, wondering if Remus would follow or stay on the curb clutching his backpack. He did follow and Sirius wondered if he should chatter whatever inane nonsense he could think of or just stay quiet; he cast around for anything to say at all, and found nothing. _That’s that, then_ , he thought to himself.

Remus put his bag in the trunk and closed it. He stood there for a moment, and Sirius wondered if he was regretting coming along. “I’m sorry I’m so quiet,” Remus said after a moment. “I guess I’m kind of nervous. It’s stupid, when you think how much we talk, but…” he shrugged.

Sirius exhaled, a smile creeping onto his face. “Fuck. I feel the same way.”

Remus smiled back and opened the passenger side door, pondering the cramped space inside. “How do you even get into the back of this thing?”

Lily and Sirius laughed while James shouted an indignant, “Hey!”

Lily just shook her head, pulling a lever and expertly shoving the passenger seat forward.

“James’ beloved car is older than we are,” Sirius called out as he clambered through the narrow space behind the chair and into what only a very generous person would call a backseat. Remus followed him in, bending his long legs to fit. Sirius was dying to hold Remus’ hand, but busied himself instead with buckling his seatbelt and fiddling with his jacket zipper.

Two car doors slammed as James and Lily sat down. Then the car started - there was always a brief moment when Sirius thought the ancient thing would die - and they rumbled away from the campus.

Sirius watched as James and Lily exchanged A Look, before Lily took pity on them and fiddled with the radio until she found a decent enough station.

“God I missed you,” James said as he stretched one hand out squeeze Lily’s thigh. “Do you have a lot of homework this weekend?”

“Mmm, I missed you too. I have a chem test on Tuesday so I’ve got to study for that. Not much else, though.”

“What about that lab report for that TA? The dick.”

“Ugh!” Lily’s groan was emphatic, even from the backseat. “Don’t remind me. He is such an asshole. I, on the other hand, am amazing and finished my lab report early so I can spend more time goofing around with you and Mr. Man Bun.”

“I got your goofs, dearest, but Mr. Man Bun is anti-goof today. He wouldn’t even explode marshmallows with me in the microwave this morning.”

Remus gave a small laugh.

“It was 5:15, Lily. You know what he’s like in the morning, all that cheery whistling. It’s infuriating.”

“Goofs wait for no man bun, Sirius.”

“Why in the world were you even awake at 5:15 in the morning?” Remus asked Sirius with concern.

“Morning shift starts at 6.”

“Oh, yeah. Man, baristas are miserably underpaid.”

“Oh, don’t get him started!” James begged. “Quick, Lily, talk about school!”

Sirius made a faux pout, and Remus laughed again. It had to be a good sign if he was laughing, right?

“I’m not sure why he thinks listening to her talk about pre-pharmacy is better than listening to you rage against the coffee machine,” Remus whispered, leaning over a few inches to put his mouth near Sirius’ ear.

Sirius smiled and glanced down at Remus’ hands again, wanting to hold them, wanting it badly enough to risk it. “I want to dismantle the customer-server system of privilege, and Lily wants to talk about how different medications affect eczema,’ He said, sliding his hand across the seat and extending a pinky toward Remus’ pinky.

“You’re a revolutionary,” Remus said. He looked down at their hands and bit his lip, and Sirius wished so much that he knew what his boyfriend was thinking. His boyfriend. Boyfriends held hands, Sirius reasoned. Or they at least understood hand holding to be an option. A popular option. Sirius wasn’t pining for some unheard of touch experience. He wasn’t trying to lick Remus’ elbows, at least not at their first meeting.

He reached out and hooked his pinky around Remus’, unhooked it, and slid his coffee stained fingers in between Remus’ long slender ones, just resting his hand on top, hoping.

Remus looked at their hands, and then glanced shyly up at Sirius. His face was pink, but he smiled and left their hands as they were, making no move to further things but not brushing Sirius off, either.

Sirius sighed happily and settled into his seat, shuffling to look out the window, but keeping his hand right where it was. James was nodding along attentively while Lily listed all the pros and cons of going to pharmacy school, the music turned down. Sirius watched the endless heavy gray clouds, sometimes sliding his fingers back and forth on top of Remus’, circling his fingertips around Remus’ knuckles and weaving his fingers through Remus’ once more. His fingers felt tingly from the contact. He fell asleep before he knew it, head tucked against the window, hand still outstretched. 

 

***

 

Remus’ hand was beginning to fall asleep, but he couldn’t bring himself to slip it out from under Sirius’ fingers. His boyfriend - boyfriend! - smiled as he slept. It was too surreal. Remus felt ludicrously daring. When he leaned over, close to Sirius, it was like a moment from someone else’s life, and then when Sirius wanted to hold his hand he realized the alternative universe was going to continue on for a while. Maybe it was a bit pathetic for him to feel adventurous for doing something so mundane, but Lily had told him just the night before, tipsy after a party he’d successfully avoided: “For god’s sake, Remus, do something. Just do _something.”_ Maybe hand holding wasn’t much, but it was something.

Was hand holding _something_ for Sirius? Somehow, it seemed doubtful. He let his eyes slide up from their hands to Sirius’ face. He kept thinking his disbelief would lessen, but instead it just kept getting more intense. Especially because in person it was impossible to forget how fucking gorgeous this man was.

From the front Lily said, “Isn’t that the turn,” and James made a sharp right that jostled Sirius awake and pulled into a parking spot under a large sign reading ‘Korean Food’.

“Aptly named,” Remus joked.

Sirius was groggy and adorable beside him. He squeezed his hand, causing Remus’ heart to accelerate embarrassingly, and then reached up to stretch. “Mmm, where are we?” Sirius asked through a yawn.

“At the restaurant.” Actually, Remus probably should have been getting out of the car, but Sirius had a five o’clock shadow and the sun was coming in through the window to give him that certain golden outline photographer’s crave, and he forgot.

“Sorry I fell asleep,” Sirius said in a small, still sleepy voice. “Caffeine must’ve run out.”

“No, it’s fine. Really. I”-

They were interrupted by James ducking back into the car and hauling the front seat forward to let them out. “He _always_ falls asleep Remus. Don’t be fooled. Worst road trip companion ever.

Remus laughed, following a grumbling Sirius out into a pleasantly breezy evening. “I really didn’t mind. It’s fine. I’m jealous, honestly. I usually just get carsick.”

“Hello, boys!” They all looked up to see Lily watching with raised eyebrows. “I know you’re a bunch of lazy bones, but I went to the gym this morning and I am starving.” Then she marched inside, James following behind her yelling about firefighter workouts.

Remus caught Sirius’ eye. “When she says gym, she really means she spent 45 minutes hogging the campus massage chair.”

Sirius let out a bark of laughter, holding the door open for Remus and following him inside the small, dimly lit restaurant. There were pictures on the walls of different dishes, each with a bright yellow number in the corner and prehistoric looking potted plants squeezed into every corner. They sat themselves at a green vinyl booth - Remus’ courage failed him and he slid in next to Lily -  and were shortly greeted by a server who seemed to recognize James and Sirius. “The usual?” she asked, but James shook his head and gestured a thumb across the table. “Newbies.”

“I recommend Family Special B. It serves three to four.”

James and Sirius exchanged calculating expressions. “Is there soft tofu soup?” Sirius asked.

“And the eggs?” James added.

“Soft tofu soup with eggs, kimchi sides: everything you always get, just more.” The server answered, smiling fondly at James and Sirius.

“Yes. Good, we’ll get that,” James nodded. “Er, is that okay?”

Remus nodded, and Lily laughed. “Oh, I get to have an opinion,” she said sharply. “It’s fine, thank you.” When she spoke to the server, her voice was much more honeyed.

“How spicy do you want? One to ten.”

“Eight.” Sirius didn’t bat an eye.

“Two.” Remus felt himself blush. It was weird how spiciness could make him feel like a whimp, but it did. “Er. I’m sorry. Eight is fine.”

The waitress gave him a skeptical look, but nodded and walked away.

“You’re about to have your life changed by soft tofu,” Sirius said.

“Can’t wait,” Remus replied, feeling useless at conversation.

“Gotta pee,” Sirius said an awkward moment later, slipping out of the booth and heading to the back of the restaurant.

Remus watched him walk away, wondering if he was trying to escape the silent tension at the table. Remus let his anxiety simmer at the back of his mind in silence, while James and Lily jokingly compared their respective hungers. When Sirius slid back into the booth they seemed to fall into a comfortable silence. Or maybe it was an uncomfortable silence. Remus had never been good at discerning between the two. Should he be saying things? He didn’t want to say things. He poked Lily in the side under the table. “Say things,” he hissed.

She grinned, almost letting escape a laugh, but managed to smother it. “Sirius, I need brain food this weekend. I’ve been living on off-brand Lucky Charms and frozen yogurt.”

Remus knew this wasn’t strictly true, but decided to let it slide rather than return to what was slowly beginning to feel like an inescapable silence. Sirius leaned an elbow on the table, looking a little smug. “What do you want Lily?”

“I want those beef empanadas. The ones with the olives.”

James groaned, “Nooo, no more meat. ”

Remus looked up with interest. “Are you a vegetarian?”

“Not strictly, just, most of the A-shift are good cooks, but I’ve eaten every variation of hot dogs and macaroni there is. I just want some vegetables, please Sirius.”

“We can have vegetables Jamie. But it takes forever to make empanadas, I have other stuff I wanna do this weekend,” Sirius said, looking straight at Remus. “Pick something else.”

Remus thought his gulp was probably audible. He couldn’t recall ever having someone’s interest so obviously directed at him. It was thrilling, but also terrifying. “Why does Sirius have to do the cooking,” he teased. He already knew Lily was a miserable cook.

Lily opened her mouth, perhaps to defend her kitchen skills, but Sirius interrupted. “Because we want it to be edible.”

“Hey! My cooking is edible!” James shoved him.

“Alright fine,” Lily huffed, “We want it to be delicious.”

“Sirius doesn’t give himself enough credit,” James added. “He’s basically a gourmet chef with a manbun and motorcycle boots. Please Sirius? Tacos or something?”

“Fish tacos would be good brain food, and also delicious,” Remus thought aloud, and then wondered if he sounded like an idiot. He was realizing how little he knew about Sirius’ life at home and it was making him nervous.

“Fish tacos it is then,” Sirius immediately agreed, causing Lily to smirk.

The server returned at that moment, looking at Sirius with a confused expression. “Here’s your Family Special B.” She began unloading a dozen plates from her tray onto their table: hot bubbling pots of soup and several small bowls of various cold pickled vegetables and seaweed salads.

Not sure what he would like, Remus took a little bit of everything and starting eating. To his relief, while some of it was spicy, he could definitely handle it. “This isn’t as hot as I thought it would be,” he said after swallowing a spoonful of soup.

James frowned. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t think they gave us an eight. Maybe we can ask them to add more”-

“It’s fine Jamie. Still tastes amazing,” Sirius said, trying and failing to subtly pinch James under the table when James let out a loud “Ouch!”

“Ohhhhh, I see. You went to the ‘bathroom’.” James said, miming exaggerated air quotes.

Watching them, Remus felt outside of something. He didn’t have any friends who knew him the way James and Sirius seemed to know each other. And unlike James, he had no idea what message Sirius’ pinch was meant to communicate.

“Um,” he mumbled, “what are you talking about?” As soon as he said it, he wished he hadn’t. It made him feel stupid, and there was nothing Remus hated more than feeling stupid.

“Nothing,” Sirius tried, just as James said, “Sirius tried to be sneaky and changed the spice for you.”

“Would you shut up?” Sirius grumbled.

“Don’t be mad,” James wheedled, “It’s cute, right Remus?”

Remus didn’t know what to say, because it _was_ cute. Incredibly cute and sweet and thoughtful. The flustered look on Sirius’ face was even cuter. He had a sudden desire to kiss Sirius on the cheek or something, to show him that what he’d done was nice and not embarrassing at all, but he couldn’t from his seat next to Lily and he still didn’t know what to say, so he fell back into habit. “And here I thought I was actually tough enough for the spicy food!”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Liking spicy food does not make you tough. That is such stupid, sexist, ridiculous garbage.” She took an aggressive bite of kimchi. “Besides, you three are about as tough as a trio of puppies.”

“Nobody said being tough was exclusively for men,” James said. “My mom has the biggest spice tolerance of anyone.”

“Mrs. P is fucking _tough_ ,” Sirius agreed, with a look of awe on his face. James nodded along proudly.

“You are missing the point!” Lily gestured wildly, her chopsticks coming uncomfortably close to Remus’ eye. “Even if it’s not gender-specific, liking spicy food does not make you tough. It’s  co-occurring, sometimes, sure. Correlation, not causation.”

Remus grinned. Whenever Lily started to talk about anything remotely science related, the conversation was destined to go on for some time.

“Oh, here she goes,” James nodded wisely. However, despite his jokes, he was listening to her with interest. Remus made note of this because, whether he was Sirius’ best friend or not, Remus did not want Lily’s boyfriend to treat her like anything less than a genius.

While Lily expounded on the difference between correlation and causation in relation to spiciness and toughness, Sirius moved to get up again.

“You okay?” Remus asked. Maybe he should have made better conversation.

Sirius smiled at him. “Just going to pay,” he said.

“Oh, you can’t pay all of it. I’ll chip in.” He reached into his pocket for his wallet.

“Next time? I asked you out.”

“That’s not… are you sure? At least let me leave the tip.” Remus pinned a five dollar bill under a plate as he spoke.

“Only if I can hold your hand on the way home.”

Remus jerked his head up. “Um, yeah. Of course.” He glanced sideways at James and Lily, still deep in conversation. He wanted to tell Sirius he was sorry for being such a lame date and not having more to say, but he couldn’t do it -- especially not with James right there. He was sure James and Sirius never ran out of things to talk about.

Sirius smiled brightly and fairly bounced over to the register. Remus watched him chat easily with their server, making her laugh. When he came back he tossed a handful of small suckers on the table.

“She always gives you more,” James complained.

“It’s server solidarity,” Sirius answered, rooting through the small pile for a peach flavored one and popping it into his mouth. “You guys ready to go?”

Remus found a root beer flavored sucker and unwrapped it, wondering if he would manage to be less awkward as the night went on.

 

***

 

James opened the door to a surprisingly tidy living room and they all trooped inside, dropping backpacks and shedding coats just inside the door. Remus felt rude dropping his coat on the floor in someone else’s apartment, but there was no sign of a closet, so he folded his peacoat as well as possible and set it next to his shoes.

Lily walked past them to the small kitchen, clearly much more comfortable in the apartment than Remus was, and started filling the kettle for tea.

“Here,” Sirius said, extending his arms, “I’ll take your stuff to my room?”

“Sure, thanks.” _His room._ Remus hadn’t given much thought to Sirius’ bedroom, and it was weirdly surreal to think of. This was the problem with long distance relationships, he mused. He followed Sirius through the living room and down a short hallway.

Sirius’ room was borderline barren. There was a mattress and box spring pushed into the corner under a window, covered in a large red and gold quilt, but that was the only furniture in the room. Sirius clothes were neatly folded and stacked in a plastic laundry basket set in the closet, and the rest of his minimal possessions, mostly books and records, were in tidy stacks on the floor. There was a single picture taped to the wall, level with Sirius’ bed, of Sirius and James and two people Remus assumed were James’ parents. Despite the lack of furnishings, or maybe because of it, the room felt inviting.

“That’s a nice picture,” Remus said. He’d never met James’ parents, but he knew Sirius was close to them. As he spoke, the kettle whistled in the kitchen and they headed back for their tea.

“My birthday last year.”

James and Lily were bickering about which Pixar movie to watch, a dilemma quickly solved by Sirius selecting Wall-E without asking anyone and settling down on the floor in front of a lumpy green futon. Remus sat down on the futon, leaving the other floor space for Lily, who resented chairs. “This movie has such great music,” he said. “I always forget until I see it again.”

Lily interrupted him with a mug of tea. “Peppermint,” she said, and Remus and Sirius both reached for the cup.

Lily knocked Sirius’ hand away. “I only have two hands, yours is in the kitchen.”

“Now I see who’s your favorite Lils. That’s ok, bet you James brings my tea for me.”

“Was there ever any doubt,” Lily grinned, which was okay because James did in fact bring Sirius his tea.

James started the movie and they all cozied up, Lily finding her usual spot on the floor and James settling next to Remus on the futon. Remus had seen the movie before and liked it, but he found himself feeling a bit discomfited by the quiet. Should he be saying things? What was there to say?

“EEEEEVAAAA,” James quoted, reaching down to hug and tickle Lily, exuberantly repeating, “Wall-E loves Eva!”

“Shush,” Sirius said urgently, swatting at James, “It’s starting and you’re not as cute as Wall-E.”

Remus felt a vague sense of relief at the noise, and then felt guilty when Sirius told them off. However, he was soon distracted by the feeling of Sirius’ hand sliding up and down his leg and circling round his ankles. He’d never realized legs had so many nerve endings. From his position, Remus could not see the expression on Sirius’ face, and wished he could. As the movie progressed, Sirius’ hand never stopped. It amazed Remus that anyone could be comfortable with so much silence. Language was everything, was the primary way Remus approached the world. He thought now that maybe for Sirius, it was more complicated. What he lacked in conversation, he made up for in movement.

Sirius’ fingers explored every dip of his ankle, traced along his calf, sometimes squeezing at the top in a pattern more interesting to Remus than the movie. He hadn’t thought often about touch in his life - he hadn’t had much reason to - and he found it both electric and terrifying. As the movie (to which he was oblivious) reached its conclusion, he finally mustered the nerve to set a hand tentatively on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius’ head fell onto his knee in response, and stayed there.

 

***

  


Sirius kept his head defiantly nestled on Remus’ bony knee all through the credits, unwilling to get up and ruin these tentative snuggles he was so enjoying. If he could, he’d sit and bask in robot true love and Remus’ lovely ankles all night, but James and Lily, who had been whispering to each other throughout the movie had already lurched off the futon to sort Lily’s things by the door and fiddle around the kitchen. Sirius was grateful for the small amount of privacy as he turned his head to look up at Remus.

“Do you want to come to my room?” Sirius whispered, stilling gripping Remus’ ankle and unsure of why he was whispering.

“Okay.” Remus’ voice was nervous, but he smiled warmly.

Sirius pushed himself up off the floor using Remus’ knee and wandered over to the kitchen doorway where James was making Lily another cup of tea. “Think we’re gonna hang out in my room a bit.”

James looked up smiling brilliantly. “Alright, Pads,” he said, reaching out for a one armed hug. “‘Night, Remus.” God but Sirius loved James for never teasing him when it mattered.

“’Night,” Remus answered, standing up and stretching his arms overhead as he spoke.

Sirius reached behind him and took Remus’ hand, pulling him in the direction of his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well hello! that was a much longer delay in posting than we anticipated. back and better than ever? we'll let you decide.


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